"Remember you are someone’s reason to smile. Because you are a joke."
Would you buy "miscellaneous" meat?
Will you upgrade?
"As a petty cherry on the revenge cake, I immediately sent her a text thanking her, then blocked her number."
"Oh you like your credit card? Name every number on it."
"If I don't get to sleep in, ain't nobody in this university gonna get to sleep in."
"The retirement age needs to be lowered to 25. I've had enough."
"Thank you Jesus and puberty."
"Once, a customer got angry with me because I told her we didn’t have grass-fed chicken. She said, 'This is supposed to be a healthy restaurant!'"
Rise and shine!
Oprah Joking About A Fan's Cracked Phone, Then Sending Him A New One Is The Feel-Good Story I Needed Today
"That's me! That's me in your cracked phone."
Kylie Jenner Sang "Rise And Shine" To An Already-Awake Stormi, And The Jokes Basically Wrote Themselves
♫ RiSe AnD sHiNe ♫
So. Much. Corn.
I'm from Arkansas and I literally do all of these things. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
"Adding both 'around' and 'ish' qualifiers to your anticipated arrival time is gay culture."
"Pasta shells filled with my favorite things for supper: peanut butter, chicken paste, tomato ketchup..."
Don't even think about going to dinner before 8 p.m.
"We’re talking about politics now. You might want to bring another [round of Champagne]."
My eyes, my eyes!!!