A major new music product from Apple raises all kind of big questions, many of which our colleagues in music and tech journalism are busy answering right this minute. How does it stack up against the big players in streaming music that have stolen business from Apple over the past decade? How do its revamped 24/7 radio stations compare to XM and Pandora? Will the new artist discovery features give music fans a one-stop shop and push SoundCloud out of the burgeoning star game?
These are all worthy things to wonder on the day of the Apple Music launch, and wise words will be written and shared.
And yet isn't there an even deeper, more elemental question? An ur-query, white-hot and pure, from which all other lines of inquiry flow like so much spurting magma?
Is it… fucking… metal?
Of course, Apple Music has oodles of heavy metal; it also has dance pop, "chill" electronic, and "workout anthems". But having metal is a box to tick, an obligation; being metal is a calling, a state of mind.
BuzzFeed News gathered its resident metalheads in the most metal of all collaborative productivity environments — Slack, of the integrated metal emoji — to determine whether the brainchild of Eddie Cue, Dr. Dre, Jimmy Iovine, and the overlords of entertainment technology are committed to the righteous cause of metal, or just pretending.
joe [11:38 AM] ok @channel
joe [11:38 AM] i am about to start looking at how metal apple music is but
joe [11:38 AM] before i start
joe [11:39 AM] let's get predictions from everyone: how metal will apple music be?
ellencushing [11:39 AM] what is our scale
joe [11:40 AM] i'll start with mine— apple is a giant, terrifying, powerful, inscrutable and crushing beast with a bottomless thirst for expansion and the will to power
joe [11:40 AM] that is metal as shit
joe [11:41 AM] on the other hand it's called "apple", which sounds like a twee indie pop band from north carolina
joe [11:41 AM] i'm going with 7 on a scale from 1 to METAL
ellencushing [11:41 AM] that said, EL CAPITAN could definitely be a metal band
ellencushing [11:41 AM] well, maybe
pczki [11:41 AM] My guess is just barely metal enough. I expect unforgivable omissions.
ellencushing [11:41 AM] a bad one:
ellencushing [11:42 AM] :-(
joe [11:42 AM] errors are not metal
joe [11:43 AM] software updates are not metal
ellencushing [11:43 AM] definitely not metal
joe [11:43 AM] you know what is metal tho? trying again
joe [11:47 AM] ok JUST GOT IT here we go
joe [11:49 AM] here's my first test — spotify, which i have been using, only has the latest yob album
joe [11:49 AM] yob is the greatest metal band in the world right now
joe [8:51 AM] Four full Yob albums:
joe [11:52 AM] and a live album (which spotify has)
pczki [11:53 AM] ok. i concede that is pretty goddamn metal.
joe [11:54 AM] right now i'm imagining steve jobs stabbing out power chords on a flying V on top of a mountain in valhalla
joe [11:54 AM] as randy rhoades smiles in approval
ellencushing [11:54 AM] Tim Cook really letting a riff fly
joe [11:54 AM] tim cook: "and just one more thing: SLAAAAAAAAAAAYUUUUUUURRRRRRR"
pczki [11:54 AM] please search for FINNTROLL
joe [11:57 AM] "Trollish hoedown metal"
pczki [11:57 AM] Ok. This is actually *very* metal. I am impressed.
joe [12:00 PM] ok it's asking me to choose 3 or more of my favorite metal artists
joe [12:00 PM] they suggest some heavy hitters
joe [12:03 PM] i'm going pantera, at the gates, neurosis, and melvins
joe [12:05 PM] hmm, after inputting those artists, apple suggested a hip hop playlist by champ bailey, who is an nfl star... and there's no metal on it
joe [12:05 PM] and then a collection of jay-z's most personal songs.... which is kind of funny because it's apple giving tidal a titty twister
joe [12:05 PM] which is metal
joe [12:05 PM] but jay-z is not metal
ellencushing [12:06 PM] whut
ellencushing [12:06 PM] rude
ellencushing [12:06 PM] not metal
joe [12:06 PM] and then the third playlist is an "Intro to mastodon" which is a great band, but like, does a guy who says one of his favorite bands is at the gates need an "intro to mastodon"?
joe [12:06 PM] no
joe [12:06 PM] not metal apple
ellencushing [12:08 PM] this is so bizarre
ellencushing [12:08 PM] like it's so hit-or-miss
ellencushing [12:08 PM] this is great and seems like something a real metalhead would think to create
joe [12:09 PM] yeah
ellencushing [12:09 PM] it's not even just the obvious pantera songs!
joe [12:09 PM] do you think like there's a secret room in cupertino where apple keeps like, a group of heshers stoned and fed and asks what they want to listen to
ellencushing [12:10 PM] brings them out into the sunlight once a quarter for a focus group
joe [12:10 PM] and to crush beers on their foreheads
joe [9:41 AM] Apple music really exposing me to some new bands
joe [12:45 PM] but goddammit when the levee breaks is the metalist thing ever
joe [12:54 PM] ahh, the mastodon playlist only has one song from remission, that is not metal at all
ellencushing [1:09 PM] i still cant get apple music on any device
ellencushing [1:09 PM] not metal
joe [1:32 PM] thats really not metal
ellencushing [1:38 PM] deeply unmetal
pczki [1:48 PM] ok. i am in same boat as ellen.
pczki [1:48 PM] this is annoying.
joe [1:48 PM] maybe you guys aren't metal enough?
ellencushing [1:49 PM] omg
ellencushing [1:49 PM] it's a test
ellencushing [1:49 PM] The Machine Knows
joe [2:19 PM] provisionally: apple music is very metal
pczki [2:21 PM] Overall, Apple Music seems pretty metal. The biggest setback I've come across is my inability to use it — at all.
mat [2:30 PM] Hey don't worry
mat [2:30 PM] I've got this. I'm very metal
mat [2:30 PM] So, in Radio, do I tune into "Metal" or "Classic Metal"
mat [2:30 PM] quien es mas metal?
joe [2:30 PM] no no
joe [2:31 PM] go 'for you'
joe [2:31 PM] then select 'metal' as ur kinda music
mat [2:31 PM] Hey man, I just want to hear some metal. Who are you to tell me how I should listen to metal?
mat [2:31 PM] Should I try metal or classic metal?
joe [2:31 PM] fuck sorry that is not very metal'
joe [2:31 PM] u wanna do classic metal and i'll do metal?
joe [2:32 PM] (that's not an age dig)
mat [2:33 PM] Okay, first track is Battery from Master of Puppets. I love this song! Have you guys seen that picture of James Hetfield shopping?
mat [2:36 PM] People are complaining that the music coming from my headphones is too loud.
caroline.odonovan [2:37 PM] it's very loud
caroline.odonovan [2:37 PM] it's like it's playing... out loud
mat [2:38 PM] But okay, I touched the little heart on that first track. But now it's playing Motley Crue Live Wire, which is.... I mean.... Even I know that's not metal. Okay I had to skip that.
pczki [2:38 PM] mat has the WORST headphones
pczki [2:38 PM] they are inverted speakers
mat [2:40 PM] Motorhead Damage Case is on now. Which you probably already know because of my rocking Grado SR80s
mat [2:42 PM] Now we're onto AC/DC Girls Got Rhythm. This classic metal radio station sucks, yo
mat [2:42 PM] Swapping to Metal
mat [2:43 PM] Aaaaaaannnnnnddddd Judas Priest - Freeweel Burning
joe [2:57 PM] this modern metal station is garbage
joe [2:57 PM] they're playing christian metalcore from the early 00s by something called 'haste the day'
joe [3:05 PM] and like, 3 lamb of god songs in 20 songs
joe [3:06 PM] oh my god there is an amazing cavalera conspiracy song on here
joe [3:08 PM] its really annoying you can't click straight from radio onto the artist or song page. thats terrible
joe [3:09 PM] inconvenience is not metal
joe [3:11 PM] dang its like just me in here... it's like i'm ~trapped under ice~
ellencushing [3:12 PM] i am listening to defaheaven and waitng for the new ios to download
ellencushing [3:12 PM] i had to delete every app but candy crush from my phone
ellencushing [3:13 PM] can't tell if that's metal or not
caroline.odonovan [3:18 PM] p sure candy crush is not metal
ellencushing [3:20 PM] idk caro I'm REALLY GOOD
joe [3:28 PM] caroline if you aren't going to contribute get the fuck out of this room
caroline.odonovan [3:29 PM]
ellencushing [3:29 PM] bai
joe [3:29 PM] see you fucking never, you are not metal
ellencushing [3:30 PM]:
ellencushing [3:30 PM] Also not metal
pczki [3:32 PM] that is the opposite of metal
ellencushing [3:37 PM] finally got on
ellencushing [3:37 PM] first song i got on metal radio was die by the sword :)
ellencushing [3:37 PM] happie ellen
joe [3:38 PM] yeah, i got that too!
ellencushing [3:38 PM] huh
ellencushing [3:38 PM] i wonder if it's just the SAME
joe [3:38 PM] whatever, apple sending slayer to multiple people is not an issue
joe [3:38 PM] it's metal
ellencushing [3:42 PM] so based on very quickly flipping through the metal station
ellencushing [3:43 PM] i feel like it's a relatively good intro to metal
ellencushing [3:43 PM] they did give me marilyn manson tho
ellencushing [3:43 PM] oh dip GOJIRA :) :)
joe [3:43 PM] yea i just got slipknot
ellencushing [3:43 PM] :(
joe [3:44 PM] also one weird thing they keep doing is giving me bad songs by great bands off their recent albums
ellencushing [3:44 PM] o like what
joe [3:44 PM] like, no one wants to hear contemporary megadeth
ellencushing [3:44 PM] ew
ellencushing [3:44 PM] that is notionally metal, but spirtually not metal
joe [3:44 PM] i'd like to continue pretending dave mustaine stopped existing after 1991
joe [3:50 PM] yea now i'm getting some marilyn manson
joe [3:51 PM] it turns out he has not improved
pczki [3:55 PM] does it have weakling, @joe
joe [4:01 PM] @pczki: no weakling
pczki [4:01 PM] that is UNMETAL
joe [1:02 PM] But this little ditty just came on......
joe [4:02 PM] this song is so good i want to punch somebody
mat [4:04 PM] Have we reached a consensus as to whether or not Apple Music is metal yet?
joe [4:05 PM] i would say it's on the right path. they need to cut out all the crappy metalcore and lame intros to bands everyone already knwos
mat [4:06 PM] That's not a very metal answer, Joe. I was looking for a yes or no.
mat [4:06 PM] does metal equivocate?
joe [4:07 PM] honestly, NO........ but every time i think that something else that is so fucking metal it rocks my planet comes on
joe [4:07 PM] like CELTIC FROOOOOOOST
ellencushing [4:07 PM] I would imagine it's the same diagnosis for all genres
ellencushing [4:07 PM] it's just not granular enough
ellencushing [4:07 PM] you can't please entry level metal people AND the bernsteins of the world
ellencushing [4:07 PM] i imagine a metalhead and a business guy like arguing somewhere in cupertino
ellencushing [4:08 PM] because the metal guy wants some phreeky norweigan shit
ellencushing [4:08 PM] and the other guy wants to not terrify people
pczki [4:08PM] you know what’s not metal? A hipster's guide to it ...
joe [4:09 PM] yeah i'm going to have to say apple has made a good effort but this is not metal
joe [4:09 PM] Oh my god
joe [4:10 PM] i kept scrolling forward through radio
joe [4:10 PM] and it... RAN OUT OF METAL
pczki [4:11 PM] OMFG
that's your top art
This Slack channel discussion was lightly edited to make it not completely confusing. (Thumbnail image: YOB, YouTube)