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Yes, There Is A Clippy Slashfic

Microsoft just unveiled a big update to its Office suite of programs — but their beloved paper-clip mascot Clippy was nowhere to be found. Is it because Microsoft was worried about this graphic inter-species slashfic with Sam the Search Dog?

Posted on July 16, 2012, at 6:33 p.m. ET


Clippy with Bill Gates, in happier times

The full text is here, but we've excerpted the most incriminating passages. Be warned, this is extremely NSFW, and really kind of depressing all around.

Clippy felt his immense turgid clip-end stiffen at the sight of such a majestic creature. Sam the Search Dog's nose was moist, dripping with the wetness of 1000 skanks. His eyes were like two smoldering pools of love.

Sam the Search Dog seductively circled around to sniff the circumference of Clippy's nether-region. The scintillating musk of Clippy's lower spiral sent shivers of anticipation down the length of Sam's spine.

Clippy couldn't take it any longer. He swung his formidable clip-end, and turkey-slapped Sam in his sculpted snout.

Sam slowly turned his head clockwise, staring deeply into Clippy's eyes. In that brief moment of celestial passion, Sam saw the true nature of love, echoing sweetly between the stars, rebounding off the planets, and into the vast unexplored void of space, bearing the message of their undying passion.

Sam momentarily cringed at the pain as it gave way to ECSTACY.

Clippy gazed lovingly into Sam's eyes. "Sam," he said. "I will include each and every one of your libraries in the next boot of your software."

"Oh Clippy," Sam replied, gazing into his lovers starlight eyes. "Every ASCII value that you write; I will memorize and search diligently."

Say it ain't so, Clippy.

A BuzzFeed News investigation, in partnership with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists, based on thousands of documents the government didn't want you to see.