Unfortunately, I Am Too Pretty To Quit Instagram

Instagram will be handing over the feed to the popular kids until you step your pussy up.

Despite complaints about the new, influencer-drenched feed, Instagram still fills a need for the online community — a place to post.

Discerning Instagram users such as yourself and Kylie Jenner have noticed that the app sucks lately. Your feed is suddenly full of Reels videos and recommendations from random accounts, and you’re seeing less of your actual friends, as Instagram frantically tries to compete with TikTok. You and Kylie are unhappy about these changes. Maybe you’re even making noise about quitting. But not me. I regret to inform you that I’m just too cute to quit.

“More and more of Instagram is going to be video over time,” head of Instagram Adam Mosseri announced on Tuesday, in a video that made him look like a father sitting his children down to read Llama Llama Red Pajama for the 40th time. “We’re going to need to evolve, because the world is changing, and we’re going to have to change along with it.”

👋🏼 There’s a lot happening on Instagram right now. I wanted to address a few things we’re working on to make Instagram a better experience. Please let me know what you think 👇🏼

Twitter: @mosseri

You know it, I know it. Instagram guy with the Hillsong pastor necklace has us by the balls, and he knows it. They could make it so our feeds were exclusively pics of Guy Fieri showing hole, and we would still continue to use this stupid little app.

It’s not even good yet. I know that because the Minions-themed head of Instagram said that.

“It’s not yet good,” he said.

Fine, if you consume content with a genuine interest in people’s babies or their ugly engagement rings, and you’re ready to quit, you’re better than me! Whatever! But be serious. BeReal and TikTok, even Twitter, don’t quite scratch the attention-seeking itch of Posting To The Grid. Instagram being largely full of cheap sponcon and influencers isn’t going to change the urge to post we’ve drilled into ourselves.

There’s too much of a culture around Instagram. I found out someone was swinging via carefully lurking on Instagram profiles. I can see people who claim to hate me still watch my stories. We’re all vying for attention, and that’s how we got influencer celebrity culture. Stripped raw, we’re all just gossip-mongering himbos who want tea for the sake of having it. That’s why we have soft launches and hard launches and tagging brands for visibility and clout, even though we’ve bought the product with our own money. We care too much to quit.

Every post is a “drop.” Everything is a “reveal.” And even if most of what we will consume is ads for Flat Tummy Tea and recycled TikToks, it doesn’t matter, because it was never about other people in the first place. The world needs to see my hot girl brunch, so I must soldier on. Instagram taps into a core narcissism that has become too socially acceptable — this ass is a product, and I will serve it with pride. Look at my hot friends. Look at my makeup. Look at my little outfits. Who the fuck are you people?

“One thing I hear a lot is people asking to see more friend content in Feed,” Mosseri tweeted. “I'd love for there to be more friend content in feed, but all the growth in photos and videos from friends has been in stories and in DMs.”

One thing I hear a lot is people asking to see more friend content in Feed. I'd love for there to be more friend content in feed, but all the growth in photos and videos from friends has been in stories and in DMs.

Twitter: @mosseri

So Instagram has decreed a new order: It will be handing over the feed to the popular kids until you step your pussy up. And even if that is effectively the most blatantly annoying, money-pinching strategy anyone could think of, we’re just going to watch it try to compete with the clock app as it fumbles its grubby little hands through a pile of cash, because we can’t let go of the idea that there’s an audience for us on our make-believe podiums. We will be double-tapped and knighted as The Sexiest In The Land.

It’s like the age-old adage: The clowns always find their way back to the circus. So paint on your makeup and strap on your big old shoes, you babies. It’s time to post.