San Francisco's Sexiest Snack

They call her the Rebel Within.

San Franciscans may have noticed a familiar pastry face cropping up in advertisements for UberEATs, the transportation behemoth’s first foray into food delivery. Above the intoxicating slogan — “From Tap to Table in 10 minutes” — is the image of what appears to be a muffin with an egg inside of it. But locals will tell you that muffin has a name and, what’s more, that muffin is kind of a scone.

They call her The Rebel Within.

For $7.25, you’ll find her at Craftsman & Wolves, a chain of tony pastry shops with outposts on Valencia Street, Russian Hill, and Ferry Plaza Farmer’s Market. Those who can afford a premium, order her on-demand from apps like UberEATS, Caviar, or Postmates for a mere $2 - $7 additional delivery fee.

How does the city’s most Instagrammable carb body stay true to her mutinous roots? What does having it all mean for a baked good? BuzzFeed News caught up with Rebel at the Craftsman’s Valencia Street location to find out.

Apparently @UberEATS delivers @craftsmanwolves from SF to DC for free! How do they do it?!?

“Don't come at me with your faux populist bullshit,” the pastry said, kicking off our conversation on a salty note. “I am worth every fucking penny. Just look at me,” she purred, slowly gliding her hands down her thick, buttery, sausage-flecked exterior.

Reader, I looked.

Mostly because there is no Wifi at Craftsman & Wolves so there was nothing else to do. Despite the shop’s tech-heavy crowd of venture capitalists and startup founders, Craftsman & Wolves eschews contemporary amenities — forcing the architects of our mobile future to sit down and truly contemplate who is the craftsman and where is he hiding his wolves.

“A-listers don’t need to name drop,” Rebel said, swiveling around to make sure no one was listening and then ticking off a litany of the bold-faced names that had consumed her. Bakery ingenues come and go, but Rebel considers herself more of a contemporary classic, effortlessly exuding an ageless decadence. Other “it” breads have suffered from public backlash. When I brought up The Mill’s $4 toast, Rebel’s craggy scone face went still. She fidgeted with the dainty vial of Tabasco-flavored salt that often accompanies her. “Let’s move on, shall we?” she whispered, brushing imaginary crumbs off her no legs.

#IVPoffsite (@ Craftsman and Wolves w/ 2 others)

Craftsman’s Valencia Street location is nestled in the apex of gentrification in the Mission, one door up from Dandelion Chocolate, the small-batch chocolatier, and two doors from Mission Cheese, which exclusively traffics in domestic cheese, and just down the block from Betabrand, the venture-capital backed clothing company responsible for the Bay Area’s bastardized take on athleisure.

Finally, I just had to ask. How does Rebel maintain that dense, carb-heavy figure? The kind of density you wake up craving. The kind of density that makes grown men and women groan because they are still digesting what is really a very filling breakfast treat. Rebel got up, picked up her Céline Trapeze bag, put on her Karen Walker sunnies, pivoted towards the door, and uttered two words: “Truffle fries.”

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