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58 Things I Learned At The Republican National Convention

The food sucked.

Posted on August 31, 2012, at 5:40 p.m. ET

1. Kentucky had the absolute worst seat at the convention.

Someone from New Mexico had a similarly horrible view, but this seat was slightly worse than theirs. : (

Someone from New Mexico had a similarly horrible view, but this seat was slightly worse than theirs. : (

2. Victoria Jackson is a Mac person. She also makes this face while working.

3. Delegate dancing needs to be a sport or something.

My absolute favorite part of the convention was the dancing. The musical breaks were the best because all the old people would start dancing. It was amazing.

My absolute favorite part of the convention was the dancing. The musical breaks were the best because all the old people would start dancing. It was amazing.

4. Always be aware of your surroundings while cheering at a political convention.

That guy can't see.

That guy can't see.

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5. Kansas is really into and really proud of 'The Wizard Of Oz'.

The first day a bunch of them dressed up as characters from the movie.

The first day a bunch of them dressed up as characters from the movie.

They also taped these shoes to their state pole.

They also taped these shoes to their state pole.

6. You can't just attach a Beanie Baby to a hat and call it a day.

Hats are really big at the convention. This is the perfect example of what not to do. The tag is still on it!

Hats are really big at the convention. This is the perfect example of what not to do. The tag is still on it!

7. You also shouldn't tape flowers to a pole.

Hawaii dressed up their pole with flowers. And by dressed up, I mean they just taped them to the pole.

Hawaii dressed up their pole with flowers. And by dressed up, I mean they just taped them to the pole.

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8. Jon Voight is the loudest, most vocal Republican celebrity.

He was all over the place at the convention. It would be like, "oh, there's Jon Voight again."

He was all over the place at the convention. It would be like, "oh, there's Jon Voight again."

9. These exist:

10. This also exists:

11. Texas Republicans like really gay music.

I hung outside a Texas delegate party for a little bit, and this was the music I heard:1. Bad Girls2. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun3. Some really gay "Rolling In The Deep" remixAnd then I left.

I hung outside a Texas delegate party for a little bit, and this was the music I heard:

1. Bad Girls

2. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

3. Some really gay "Rolling In The Deep" remix

And then I left.

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12. The swag bag at the convention sucks.

This was the gift bag everyone got. My favorite part of the pack was one of those mini electric fans.

This was the gift bag everyone got. My favorite part of the pack was one of those mini electric fans.

13. Straws shouldn't be made out of cardboard.

Google was awesome at the convention because they gave out free coffee. I'm talking cappuccinos and lattes. Fancy stuff.The only problem was the straws. They were made of cardboard and fell apart!

Google was awesome at the convention because they gave out free coffee. I'm talking cappuccinos and lattes. Fancy stuff.

The only problem was the straws. They were made of cardboard and fell apart!

14. The Raging Grannies choreograph their own routines. They strategically situate the vaginas.

The Raging Grannies perform a little routine where they each talk about a Raging Granny cause. Before they begin, they make sure they have their vaginas are spread out.

The Raging Grannies perform a little routine where they each talk about a Raging Granny cause. Before they begin, they make sure they have their vaginas are spread out.

15. Scientologists are courting Occupy Wall Street people.

There were about a dozen or so Scientologists at the "big" (it was kind of embarrassingly small) Occupy Wall Street protest on Monday.

There were about a dozen or so Scientologists at the "big" (it was kind of embarrassingly small) Occupy Wall Street protest on Monday.

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They handed out little booklets as "free gifts." On the back they had a little sticker that said they were from the Tampa Church of Scientology.

They handed out little booklets as "free gifts." On the back they had a little sticker that said they were from the Tampa Church of Scientology.

16. The Tea Party isn't really a thing anymore.

This was the only lady I saw wearing Tea Party swag.

This was the only lady I saw wearing Tea Party swag.

17. Geraldo is a MASTER picture poser.

Geraldo would hang out at his booth during the day, and whenever anyone would take his picture he would stop, pose, and smile. It was seriously impressive.

Geraldo would hang out at his booth during the day, and whenever anyone would take his picture he would stop, pose, and smile. It was seriously impressive.

18. Watch out for forklifts.

Because it would suck getting hit by one. I can't say I've ever thought about getting hit by a forklift before seeing this sign.

Because it would suck getting hit by one. I can't say I've ever thought about getting hit by a forklift before seeing this sign.

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19. They keep extra state sign posts in the back.

They're just lying around in case one gets obliterated? I don't know.

They're just lying around in case one gets obliterated? I don't know.

20. It sucks to get kicked out of a Pat Boone over 60 party.

Pat Boone held a 60 or over breakfast. They wouldn't let me in, and to be totally honest, it looked like fun. Lots of bloody marys and mimosas. So that sucked.

Pat Boone held a 60 or over breakfast. They wouldn't let me in, and to be totally honest, it looked like fun. Lots of bloody marys and mimosas. So that sucked.

21. If you go to the RNC, you might just get to touch an Olympic medal.

This is Bill Schuffenhauer. He helped the U.S. win a silver medal in the skeleton. When I asked to take my picture with him he automatically put the medal around my neck. Coolest thing ever.

This is Bill Schuffenhauer. He helped the U.S. win a silver medal in the skeleton.

When I asked to take my picture with him he automatically put the medal around my neck. Coolest thing ever.

22. Working/typing/thinking on a walking treadmill is pretty hard.

Google had a couple walking treadmills set up. Here's what I found out:1. 2.3 is the perfect speed. Any faster and it's kind of impossible to type.2. The walking treadmills only go up to 4.0 speed. So no running.3. It's not easy. You do kind of get the hang of it after a little bit, though.

Google had a couple walking treadmills set up.

Here's what I found out:

1. 2.3 is the perfect speed. Any faster and it's kind of impossible to type.

2. The walking treadmills only go up to 4.0 speed. So no running.

3. It's not easy. You do kind of get the hang of it after a little bit, though.

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I burned 32 calories in 10 minutes.

But most importantly, I burned 32 calories in 10 minutes. I couldn't really get any work done though because I was worried I would fall off.

But most importantly, I burned 32 calories in 10 minutes. I couldn't really get any work done though because I was worried I would fall off.

23. Callista's hair is absolutely flawless in real life.

Not an imperfection.

Not an imperfection.

24. An old lady wearing an elephant hat is always funny.

25. Republican moms love bling.

There were soooo many rhinestones at the convention. These sunglasses were a personal fav.

There were soooo many rhinestones at the convention. These sunglasses were a personal fav.

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26. You're not really allowed to bring signs into the convention center, so all of the signs you see on TV are pre-made.

They're all over the ground of the convention center. It's the Republican version of Sad Stuff On The Street.

They're all over the ground of the convention center. It's the Republican version of Sad Stuff On The Street.

27. Republicans need more swag that lights up.

I was seriously let down by the lack of light up swag. This was the only lady I saw with light up sunglasses. What a badass.

I was seriously let down by the lack of light up swag. This was the only lady I saw with light up sunglasses. What a badass.

28. Republicans aren't into face masks.

On the second night of the convention these Paul Ryan face masks were being handed out on the floor. No one really wore them. I also didn't get one, and I'm still super bummed about that.

On the second night of the convention these Paul Ryan face masks were being handed out on the floor. No one really wore them. I also didn't get one, and I'm still super bummed about that.

29. The Texas delegates are really good at coordinating their wardrobes.

Everyone from Texas has the same cowboy hat.They also all dress the same. On the first day they wear denim and flag shirts, on the second day they wear blue shirts and khakis, and the last night is "dress up night", so they wear whatever they want.

Everyone from Texas has the same cowboy hat.

They also all dress the same. On the first day they wear denim and flag shirts, on the second day they wear blue shirts and khakis, and the last night is "dress up night", so they wear whatever they want.

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30. This is what happens to the balloons after they drop.

Most of the kids take balloons with them.

Most of the kids take balloons with them.

31. This PRO-LIFE pin was the most popular pin.

It was everywhere.

It was everywhere.

32. This was the most popular anti-Obama pin.

33. But there wasn't really that much anti-Obama swag to begin with. My favorite anti-Obama swag was a " Pootin' Tootin' President Obama" doll.

It farted after everything it said.

It farted after everything it said.

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34. I only saw one person wearing something for "traditional" marriage, and it was this pin.

35. This was the weirdest pin at the convention.

What does that even mean?!?!?!

What does that even mean?!?!?!

36. The Montana GOP has the best logo.

37. Everyone needs to get off of their cellphones.

I was going to make an entire post dedicated to people looking bored on their cellphones on the floor, but I didn't. That would be boring itself.But seriously, real talk, listen to the person speaking!

I was going to make an entire post dedicated to people looking bored on their cellphones on the floor, but I didn't. That would be boring itself.

But seriously, real talk, listen to the person speaking!

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38. Flags look like butts.

A parking garage in Tampa had every state flag attached to it. When the wind blew, the flags looked like butts.

A parking garage in Tampa had every state flag attached to it. When the wind blew, the flags looked like butts.

39. There were a bunch of anti-Republican billboards set up.

This one isn't really anti, just interesting. I wasn't expecting to see something like this.

This one isn't really anti, just interesting. I wasn't expecting to see something like this.

40. "Mint Romney" is a brilliant name for mint lotion.

41. The Huffington Post had the most elaborate free house.

Everyone who got into the convention could go to the "Huff Post Oasis." It was in some building about 5 minutes away from the convention center.It was amazing. They had food, drinks, yoga classes, massages, facials, etc. ALL FOR FREE.They also had this weird energy increaser thing.

Everyone who got into the convention could go to the "Huff Post Oasis." It was in some building about 5 minutes away from the convention center.

It was amazing. They had food, drinks, yoga classes, massages, facials, etc. ALL FOR FREE.

They also had this weird energy increaser thing.

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42. There really are gay Republicans.

If you didn't already know, there is a group called GOProud.

If you didn't already know, there is a group called GOProud.

They had a party called Homocon.

They had a party called Homocon.

It was great, but the go-go boys sucked. They wore mom jeans and weird belly shirts. Also, a bunch of the gays there weren't even Republicans. I talked to one guy from Tampa who actually voted for McCain in 2008, but now he's voting for Obama in 2012. Go figure.

It was great, but the go-go boys sucked. They wore mom jeans and weird belly shirts. Also, a bunch of the gays there weren't even Republicans. I talked to one guy from Tampa who actually voted for McCain in 2008, but now he's voting for Obama in 2012. Go figure.

43. It's perfectly okay to wear something you wore earlier in the convention.

This guy did.

This guy did.

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44. The most expensive food at the convention was chicken fingers.

The food at the convention was really gross. Definitely drab.

The food at the convention was really gross. Definitely drab.

45. People shouldn't be eating greasy convention food and staying in an enclosed space for 6 hours.

The bathrooms/hallways started to smell a little funny after a while.

The bathrooms/hallways started to smell a little funny after a while.

46. The most expensive item in the Romney gift store is the Romney iPhone case. It costs $40!!!!

47. The Prayer Room is always poppin.

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48. The best way to get your picture with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan is to stand in the middle of this portrait.

49. The best way to dress up a suit is with a Reagan visor with a transparent red brim.

Spotted on the floor on the last night.I'm usually VERY anti-visor, but I think this one is acceptable.

Spotted on the floor on the last night.

I'm usually VERY anti-visor, but I think this one is acceptable.

50. The Secret Service isn't so secret.

Most of the Secret Service people wore Secret Service patches. Doesn't that defeat the point?!

Most of the Secret Service people wore Secret Service patches. Doesn't that defeat the point?!

51. New York has the most boring delegacy.

The New York delegates are mostly bored looking men in suits. They need a theme like Texas!

The New York delegates are mostly bored looking men in suits. They need a theme like Texas!

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52. There is a company that makes fancy Republican elephant dresses.

On the last night of the convention everyone gets really dressed up. This was the best dress I saw.

On the last night of the convention everyone gets really dressed up. This was the best dress I saw.

53. Craig Romney is the hottest Romney son.

The Romney sons were around for most of the convention, and I've decided Craig is my favorite.

The Romney sons were around for most of the convention, and I've decided Craig is my favorite.

54. You can make a hat out of a campaign sign.

This lady did. Creative, I guess?

This lady did. Creative, I guess?

55. Not everyone was so into Clint Eastwood's speech.

This girl was playing Temple Run throughout it.

This girl was playing Temple Run throughout it.

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56. SCOTT HAMILTON IS A REPUBLICAN

The biggest shock of the last night of the convention for me was finding this out. What was even more surprising was that he got the biggest applause out of all the Olympians. Who would have thought?!

The biggest shock of the last night of the convention for me was finding this out. What was even more surprising was that he got the biggest applause out of all the Olympians. Who would have thought?!

57. It's kind of terrifying after the ballons fall.

It's just constant balloon popping all over the place. EVERYONE NEEDED TO CHILL.

It's just constant balloon popping all over the place. EVERYONE NEEDED TO CHILL.

58. And last but not least, Stephen Baldwin needs a new stylist.

You can't see in this picture, but he was wearing a pretty hardcore pair of mom jeans.

You can't see in this picture, but he was wearing a pretty hardcore pair of mom jeans.

THE END.

All photos taken by Matt Stopera... except 22, 50, and 52 which were taken by Scott.

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