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25 Steps To Faking Your Way Through A Business Party

Golf, golf, and more golf.

Posted on October 17, 2013, at 11:11 a.m. ET

1. Make sure you're ready to exchange business cards. Judge and be judged.

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Always have something to say about current events.

2. Like interest rates! "We haven't been in a raising rate environment for years, what will this do to bond issuance and deal flow?"

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3. "Can you believe Congress got so close to defaulting on the debt? It's like these House Republicans don't know who funds their campaigns!"

Legendary Pictures / Via giphy.com

4. "My portfolio takes a hit and they couldn't even reduce spending?"

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5. "If only there was a businessman in the White House, we wouldn't have all these problems."

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6. "But it's even worse overseas. Try doing a deal in Russia? Doesn't work unless you know Putin."

Via gph.is

7. "It's not too great here though. I mean, capital gains taxes, they're 20%!"

Fox News Channel / Via gph.is

8. "Yeah, but at least it's not France."

9. (New York only) "I'll miss him, he actually understands how important businesspeople are to the economy."

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But current events are a huge bummer, so maybe talk about something everyone in business does way too much: travel.

10. "When's the last time you went to Japan? Long flight, great restaurants. Culture is definitely a bit different."

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11. "The only time I meet new people is in business class."

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And your commute.

12. "I spend more time waiting for the Metro North than I do with kids."

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13. "The only thing worse than flying commercial is my buddy's tiny plane."

AMC / Via gph.is

14. "Ugh, and the walk from Grand Central to the office. In the winter it's like circumnavigating Antarctica."

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If none of this works, focus on recreational activities.

15. "I got a new golf pro and my swing is a-may-zing."

Gary Sanchez Productions / Via gph.is

16. "But it's hard to find any young people to play with."

Golf Digest / Via golfdigest.com

17. "Don't even ask me about my serve."

18. Sure enough, someone will pitch you on a "great investment idea."

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19. "We would be fantastic partners."

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20. "It's a can't miss opportunity, the returns will be amazing!"

20th Century Fox / Via giphy.com

21. It might be a great idea!

22. (It probably isn't a great idea.)

23. "No, thank you."

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24. And if all else fails, just memorize Andrew Sorkin's column and quote portions of it in response to every question.

Frederick M. Brown / Getty Images

25. But more than anything, have a good time!

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A BuzzFeed News investigation, in partnership with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists, based on thousands of documents the government didn't want you to see.