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Please, I Beg You, Do Not Fuck Up My Timeline With 280 Characters Of Bullshit

Thank you for not being a monster.

Posted on November 7, 2017, at 4:00 p.m. ET

Dave Rowland / Getty Images

My feed.

I’m a simple man. Father. Husband. Designer. Coffee enthusiast. Twitter user. And I beg you: Please. Do not ruin Twitter with 280 characters of bullshit. Please. Do not fuck this up.

I just want a thing on my phone I can open up while I’m taking a shit or riding the subway (literally, after I typed the first sentence of this, I went to go take a shit in the office bathroom and read some tweets while shitting) and see some funny jokes or maybe a link to a news article. This is what I need Twitter for in my life. Here is the problem with 280 characters:

*reads a 140 character tweet* *reads a 140 character tweet* *eyes skim over a 280 character tweet w/o focusing* *reads a 140 character tweet

I don’t want to open Twitter and see a fucking BLOG. I want to scan some idiot bullshit jokes as quickly as possible, not massive blocks of text.

Lots of people say that Twitter is already a cesspool of misery. It’s overrun by Nazis and it can’t get a handle on harassment. On top of that, it’s just a nonstop agony machine, full of bad news, and populated by pompous blowhards who are deluded by the social media reinforcement feedback loop into thinking that the world wants to hear their opinions about every fart that escapes in the atmosphere. Well, true. But I am willing to accept Twitter for all this because occasionally you get this:

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That's Chappie

I know what you’re thinking: This isn’t me — I will be the one who uses 280 characters for good. I won’t be the bad one. Well, the problem isn’t just that you’re bad (you are, but that’s another discussion). It’s just that this will clog up the eyeball scan rate for everyone else. Please, do not do this. If you have something to say that is much longer than 140 characters, you can do a thread. The thread is great because it’s really stupid and embarrassing to do, so it has the built-in limitation of humiliation. Or, are you a celebrity addressing some sort of scandal? That’s what the notes app is for!

Please, I beg you. I have very little to live for except enjoying jokes on my phone. I need this. I need Twitter to not be a nightmare wall of text. Respect my feed. Use some restraint. Do not post 280.

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    Katie Notopoulos is a senior reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York. Notopoulos writes about tech and internet culture and is cohost of the Internet Explorer podcast.

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