1. Enhance your pictures to the point that you are unrecognizable.
2. Constantly check in using Foursquare
3. Post image memes you've seen on your Newsfeed three times already
4. Invite ALL your friends to play games with you.
5. Answer “secret questions” about your acquaintances, and post about it on their walls.
6. Friend request people who have previously defriended you.
7. Repeatedly change your relationship status back and forth between “It’s Complicated” and “Single” and “In a Relationship,” while clearly referring to the same person.
8. Comment on other people’s newly “Single” relationship updates.
9. Create an account for your newborn infant and write a full profile and status updates for it.
10. Merge your account with the account of your new spouse.
11. Tag all your friends in everything you ever do.
Katie Heaney is a writer and volunteer text message analyst living in Minneapolis. She thinks you should have good manners, even on the internet.
Illustrations by Chris Ritter