We regret to inform you Stormy Daniels' new book includes a particularly colorful description of President Trump's penis.
In her memoir, titled Full Disclosure, Daniels said Trump's penis is “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small.”
“It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion,” Daniels wrote in the book, a copy of which was obtained by the Guardian.
“He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool,” she wrote.
“I lay there," she wrote, "annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart."
Daniels was likely referring to Toad, the mushroom-headed character from Nintendo's Mario series.
People are really struggling to cope with this news.
Many are ready to log off forever.
Quite a few unfortunate people heard the news when they saw "Mario Kart" was trending.
Could it be a new game? No. No it could not.
Now everyone has jokes.
This can only end one way and we all know it:
Anyway, I really am sorry to do this to you first thing in the morning. Here's a nice, pretty nature pic as a palate cleanser.
A previous version of this story referred to Toad as "mushroom-hatted." The mushroom is actually his head. We deeply regret the error.