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13 Animal Masturbation Facts That Will Make You Feel Better About Being Single AF

You do you!

Posted on February 14, 2016, at 9:01 a.m. ET

1. Male common marmosets, at least in captivity, have been known to suck their own dicks when they are unable to mate in their social group.

Giorgio Quattrone / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: gio71

Next time, buddy, next time.

2. Smaller male marine iguanas will often masturbate before mating with a female so they can ejaculate faster, as they are often pushed away by larger males before they finish.

Rodrigo Buendia / AFP / Getty Images

"Not today, larger males, not today..."

3. It is not unheard of for a female orangutan to initiate sex with a male by creepin' up on him and masturbating near him.

Guillaume Souvant / AFP / Getty Images

"Oh haiiii..."

4. Also, both male and female orangutans use leaves and twigs to help them stimulate their private bits.

Daniel Hermanns / Via Flickr: danielhermanns

"Well, I guess I know what I'm doing tonight..."

5. Sometimes, Indo-Pacific bottlenose dolphins just kinda splooge without any clear reason.

Medioimages / Getty Images

Don't wan't to know what these guys are so excited about...

WTF does a random splooging dolphin look like, you ask? Like this:

Morisaka T, Sakai M, Kogi K, Nakasuji A, Sakakibara K, Kasanuki Y, et al. (2013) / Via http://doi:10.1371

Thanks, science!

6. Not to be outdone, male spotted dolphins masturbate by sticking their dicks in the sand and moving back and forth. Females also masturbate with sand — they just rub up against it.

Gavin Harrison / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: 127571786@N07


7. According to Jane Goodall, female chimps sometimes "finger and tickle their genitals."

Tambako The Jaguar / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: tambako

"Oh, nothing... Just some light fingering and tickling today — what about you?"

8. Spider monkeys are not above using their prehensile tail to masturbate.

Gordon Wrigley / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: tolomea

"Ooh, I am so going to get some tail tonight."

9. Male horses often masturbate without their limbs by just kinda bouncing their dicks against their stomachs.

Hunter Desportes / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: hdport

"I dunno, Ed, might be time for a bit of the ol' bounce and press."

Seriously, that's what vets call it!

Sue M. McDonnell / Via

10. Female chimps have been observed using mangos to masturbate.

Jean-Francois Monier / AFP / Getty Images

Best. Gift. Ever.

11. Male African ground squirrels masturbate all the time. Some researchers think this is a cleaning adaptation that prevents squirrel STIs.

Pytyczech / Getty Images

Looks like the coast is clear for a little bit of STI screening, buddy.

12. Male alpine ibexes will sometimes try masturbating around a female in an effort to win her favor.

Frederic Jacobs / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: 91027340@N03

"Whatchoo lookin' at?"

13. Male stump-tail macaques like to masturbate while staring at a female and chattering their teeth.

Sebastian Niedlich / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: 42311564@N00

"Hey girl... Netflix and chill?"

The message? You do you this Valentine's Day. You do you...

belgianchocolate / Creative Commons / Via Flickr: frank-wouters

Literally! If you feel like it.

A BuzzFeed News investigation, in partnership with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists, based on thousands of documents the government didn't want you to see.