Skip To Content
BuzzFeed News Home Reporting To You

Utilizamos cookies, próprios e de terceiros, que o reconhecem e identificam como um usuário único, para garantir a melhor experiência de navegação, personalizar conteúdo e anúncios, e melhorar o desempenho do nosso site e serviços. Esses Cookies nos permitem coletar alguns dados pessoais sobre você, como sua ID exclusiva atribuída ao seu dispositivo, endereço de IP, tipo de dispositivo e navegador, conteúdos visualizados ou outras ações realizadas usando nossos serviços, país e idioma selecionados, entre outros. Para saber mais sobre nossa política de cookies, acesse link.

Caso não concorde com o uso cookies dessa forma, você deverá ajustar as configurações de seu navegador ou deixar de acessar o nosso site e serviços. Ao continuar com a navegação em nosso site, você aceita o uso de cookies.

Goat Simulator Will Change Your Life

Time for some goat theory.

Posted on December 19, 2016, at 6:45 p.m. ET

This morning I opened up the iOS App Store and was astounded to find a thing called "Goat Simulator" at No. 4.

U serious? Goat Simulator?

So, I downloaded the game. And at first, it seemed very, very dumb. I was just a goat walking around in a yard. That was it!

I have never played a worse game than "goat simulator." This is the worst game of all time.

But then, something magical happened. I found a "jump" button. Immediately upon discovering this, my goat leapt out of the yard and was free! Peace, other goats. Catch you never.

Freedom can be intoxicating. My goat immediately started making bad decisions, and showed a blatant disregard for traffic rules.

Then my goat found a protest. I'm all for democracy, but this game has a head-butt button, and I wasn't going to spend all day staring at it.

The signs say "No pointy food."

Then it was time to rough up the neighbors with the loud music.

Hope that sends a message. You fucked with the wrong goat.

My goat then dragged one of the neighbors around with its tongue for good measure.

Even though my goat was largely on a terrorizing rampage, it did do some productive stuff.

Like slide down this water slide and catapult itself into the bushes.

But breaking stuff was more fun. So my goat concentrated on that.

Into the drink you go, sir.

Sorry, can I help you with something?

Yeah, didn't think so.

Things change fast in goat world.

Soon enough, my goat was wearing a jet pack and jumping on a trampoline.

Some may view my goat as a villain, and they may be right. But...

...remember, this goat world is a simulation. And those aren't real people getting hurt. Maybe the goat is all of us, and those people are the kinds who would like to keep us down. The goat is hope, the goat is courage, the goat is triumph.

When life gives you hurdles, jump right over them.

Don't try this at home.

A BuzzFeed News investigation, in partnership with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists, based on thousands of documents the government didn't want you to see.