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Goat Simulator Will Change Your Life

Time for some goat theory.

Posted on December 19, 2016, at 6:45 p.m. ET

This morning I opened up the iOS App Store and was astounded to find a thing called "Goat Simulator" at No. 4.

U serious? Goat Simulator?

So, I downloaded the game. And at first, it seemed very, very dumb. I was just a goat walking around in a yard. That was it!

I have never played a worse game than "goat simulator." This is the worst game of all time.

But then, something magical happened. I found a "jump" button. Immediately upon discovering this, my goat leapt out of the yard and was free! Peace, other goats. Catch you never.

Freedom can be intoxicating. My goat immediately started making bad decisions, and showed a blatant disregard for traffic rules.

Then my goat found a protest. I'm all for democracy, but this game has a head-butt button, and I wasn't going to spend all day staring at it.

The signs say "No pointy food."

Then it was time to rough up the neighbors with the loud music.

Hope that sends a message. You fucked with the wrong goat.

My goat then dragged one of the neighbors around with its tongue for good measure.

Even though my goat was largely on a terrorizing rampage, it did do some productive stuff.

Like slide down this water slide and catapult itself into the bushes.

But breaking stuff was more fun. So my goat concentrated on that.

Into the drink you go, sir.

Sorry, can I help you with something?

Yeah, didn't think so.

Things change fast in goat world.

Soon enough, my goat was wearing a jet pack and jumping on a trampoline.

Some may view my goat as a villain, and they may be right. But...

...remember, this goat world is a simulation. And those aren't real people getting hurt. Maybe the goat is all of us, and those people are the kinds who would like to keep us down. The goat is hope, the goat is courage, the goat is triumph.

When life gives you hurdles, jump right over them.

Don't try this at home.


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