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Season Ends For O.C. Housewives, And They Lived Unhappily Ever After

I KNOW I'VE SAID that the OC Housewives bore me. Not anymore. This season was way juicier than past ones thanks to the glamorous “gold-digger” Gretchen and the weepy, airhead Lynne. And the reunion show – OFF THE HOOK. I've always liked Gretchen while Housewives' Vicki and Tamra have loathed her from the getgo. Gretchen brings them presents; they bitch about it. Her boyfriend gives her a motorcycle; they bitch again. Both are insanely jealous of her looks, her sweet personality and no-care sex appeal. Can I be candid here? She has everything they lack PLUS an old, rich, dying boyfriend, the trifecta. And she has it naturally, with no plastic filler.

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The Most Anticipated Contest At The Oscars? The Jennifer -- Angelina Showdown

A MERE 48 HOURS BEFORE THE 81ST OSCARS HIT THE AIRWAVES, WE CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE MACHINATIONS GOING ON PROBABLY MERE MILES APART IN THE BOUDOIRS OF SUPERSTARS JENNIFER ANISTON AND ANGELINA JOLIE. We imagine Jen is practicing looking blissfully unrattled by the appearance of nemesis Angelina and Brad Pitt, the fading golden boy with whom she first shared the title as Hollywood's reigning couple. For her part, Angelina might rethink any Botox appointments as she will have to convince the world that she actually feels joy for the winner of the Best Actress Award. This, to counter reports that she gave the the "stink eye to Anne Hathaway as she accepted the Best Actress title at the Critics' Choice Awards.

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Worlds Are Colliding!....Must...Dump...Facebook!

EVEN BEFORE THE BROUHAHA BROKE OUT OVER FACEBOOK'S CLAIM TO PERPETUAL OWNERSHIP OF EVERYTHING YOU EVER uplinked to its pages, George Costanza would have never approved of it. To our fictitious Seinfeld friend, posting your name and picture on a social network enabling 175 million other people to find you would be pure folly, the unleashing of potential social disaster. It's the Seinfeldian theory of world's colliding!

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Facebook: Proof of Seinfeld's Theory of "Worlds Colliding"

EVEN BEFORE THE BROUHAHA BROKE OUT OVER FACEBOOK'S CLAIM TO PERPETUAL OWNERSHIP OF EVERYTHING YOU EVER uplinked to its pages, George Costanza would have never approved of it. To our fictitious Seinfeld friend, posting your name and picture on a social network enabling 175 million other people to find you would be pure folly, the unleashing of potential social disaster. It was the Seinfeld theory of world's colliding!

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'The Death Of A Salesman' Adapted For YouTube

MEET JACK REBNEY, A.K.A. The Winnebago Man, YouTube sensation and subject of his own Wikipedia entry. Drink him in, my friends, and find gut-churning pleasure in his extreme displeasure of himself, as well as flies, his mind, the heat, and just about everything else in his path. "We've got flies all over the fucking place. Sh-on of a bitch! Get out of here you fucking flies!"

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The Price Of Joaquin Phoenix's "Last" Movie? $12 Million. The Buzz?: Priceless

ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW THE PUBLICITY MACHINE WORKS? Joaquin Phoenix quits ‘acting,’ goes on David Letterman to promote (ahem) a barely whispered-about movie, feigns indifference to Dave and the movie and the audience, and even more dangerously, the publicity game itself. And snap, just like that, this little $12 million “last” movie of Joaquin’s gets more attention than a $12 million media blitz could buy.

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Living "Miserably" In Chicago and Loving It

Forbes mag ranks Chicago the U.S.' third most miserable city because of commute times, taxes and rising unemployment. I’m living proof of the statistics. On extremely cold days – we're talking subzero temperatures -- I routinely have to wait over 20 minutes for my bus to arrive. I won’t be getting a raise anytime soon, and new jobs are few and far between. Stuck inside on bitter cold days, sometimes I think chocolate chip mint ice cream and old episodes of Sex and the City are my only friends. Yet, the magazine’s cold, hard statistics don’t cover the story from the street level.

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Yummy: Sweden's PB&J's Heading Back This Way

IF ALL YOU KNOW OF THESE THREE YOUTHFUL ROCKERS FROM SWEDEN IS THEIR WHISTLING SONG, YOU ARE MISSING THE BIG PICTURE. I had the good fortune of catching PB&J's show (and hanging backstage!) the last time they played in Chicago and found myself on a manic high that transported me back to nights at Philly's East Side Club, back when consequences were a debt to be paid in the future. Ahh, youth.

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The Celebu-Spawns of The YouTube Crowd

OME OF THE MOST MEMORABLE -- AND MOST QUOTED -- YouTube videos in my household are ones featuring little kids. Watching these videos can make a person want to either: A) spawn a litter and home-school them; or (B) put his/her nuts on the chopping block (hypothetically speaking, of course). Here's a countdown of my absolutely favorite videos.

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A Yankee Fans' Take: Back Off Daily Beasts! A-Rod Bigger Crime Is Sleeping With Madonna

If you want to beat up on the guy, let's go back to lashing him for sleeping with Madonna more than a coupla times. I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers, but you'd think the handsome young millionaire baseballer would have her singing "This Used to be My Playground" by now. Move on! She's ancient! And the media should move on too; this story is a nonstarter.

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It's Monday's Tabloid Trash Talk!

It's Monday! Time For Tabloid Trash Talk! Lourdes' Uni-Brown Gets A Wax Job, Jessica Throws A Pity Party and Farrah Succumbs to Marriage? Also: Dude…fffffft…have you heard about that swimmer dude? Cough, cough. Man, that’s totally a raw deal… fffffftt. I hope he doesn’t lose those sweet-ass endorsement deals. fffffftttt..man, I could totally go for a five dollar foot long right about now. Cough, cough. You wanna walk over to Subway?

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Prognosticating Who Win The Naked Statues This Year

OSCAR SEASON IS ALWAYS A TIME OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE joy for me. I take time off to watch the consistently over-scheduled Academy Awards. I yell at the TV screen as actors who clearly deserve the award are denied them for silly reasons beyond understanding. When it comes time to choose who is going to win, I have my own list of rules to follow. So without further ado, here are my calls as to who's going to take home the naked statues this year.

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Tyra Who? The Real Queen Of The Runway, RuPaul, Hits The Stage

While I love a "bad girls" show – especially the bad girls editions of Cops and America’s Most Wanted -- I’m a little sick and tired of the cheap tricks who try to win the affections of some aging star by being whorish. I’m over the chicks who aren’t really bad girls - just stupid, nasty and ignorant (I’m looking at you Oxygen). So who rides into my barren bad-girl world than drag artist extraordinaire RuPaul, accompanied by nine contestants ready to drag race. Let’s start with their names cause queens ain’t called Bertha.

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Attention All Abused Hollywood: Crabby Wants Your Tapes of Celebrity Meltdowns

Actor Christian Bale makes headlines with a year-old verbal assault on the cinematographer of Terminator Salvation. Bale ends his psychotic break with a, "You and me, man, we're fucking done professionally." Someone is, Christian! Crabby has one word: sociopath! Oh, and by the way, if anyone else out there has similar audio of other celebrities abusing people, Crabby would be happy to publish it!

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