Y'all, come get your parents.
Go ahead, blow us all away...we'll wait for it.
What exactly goes on behind that blue curtain?
"Sent my husband nudes, and he asked me which mole I was worried about."
They may have gone a little too far.
"I realized I'd become my mother when I started obsessively straightening piles of books on tables at Barnes and Noble."
They can hack their way out of any situation.
They make no apologies for their trickery.
"When I was little, I thought that people who died in movies actually died and had signed up to be killed for the scene."
"My friends had to explain to me that a blowjob isn't blowing into a balloon to make it bigger."
"Welcome to Dumpville. Population You."
"One of my students asked me if people really eat placenta. When I said yes, he replied, 'Wait, WHAT?! Like, with ketchup?!'"
"If you want to know what you really look like, hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture."
"I thought the phrase 'mix by hand' meant to literally shove your hands in the batter and mix."
It's not their best day, like at all.
"Good luck robbing my house. My security system is LEGOs on the floor."
They can out-improvise you any day of the week.
"My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay."
"My husband and I have gone on a diet together and it has brought us so much closer to divorce."
Laundry is not for the faint of heart.