How To Get Your First Brazilian Wax

What kind of wax do you want? Hard wax? Soft wax? Bikini? Brazilian? All gone? Landing strip? Study up! Don't hand over your vagina without also giving proper instructions! (Both in the spa and beyond, if you know what I mean.)

You don't have to have your friend hold your hand while you're busting it open on the spa table, but take a travel buddy — you'll need someone to talk you out of turning around and going home on the way.

Bubba's Bikini Baldin' Barn may not be the smartest place to go. Just sayin'.

It might (read: definitely will) be a bit awkward to have somebody all in your stuff without so much as buying you a drink first. Just try to make the best of it.

Just from the waist down, though. It's not that kind of party. Some places give you a pair of paper panties to put on for modesty's sake, but does modesty really matter right now?

Do not focus on the waves of white hot pain soon to be emanating from your mons veneris as your pubic hair is ripped out at the follicle. Ask your esthetician what he or she is having for dinner or something.

Three!

WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME? WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS? IS MY VAGINA GONE? DID YOU RIP MY VAGINA OFF? CAN WE PUT IT BACK ON? CAN I SUE YOU FOR THIS?!

For why?!

Because even though the actual waxing may take around 20 minutes, it will feel like you're on that table for 3 months.

Once you're done, your esthetician, who now knows you on a biblical level, will hand you a mirror so you can check out your newly shined sugar bowl.

WHERE IS THE SEXY? I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY!

You want as little friction down there as possible for the next 24 hours or so.

Once your skin is all soothed and considerably happier, get into how smooth and pretty everything is and try not to keep your hand in your pants all day.

Or, keep your hands in your pants all day. Your body, your business.

Because you will feel like a goddess.

Gotta keep the landscape looking good!