Over here at the BuzzFeed News culture desk, Real Housewives is serious business. We've been eagerly awaiting the latest entry to the franchise, set in Salt Lake City, and its premiere last week did not disappoint.
Ahead of the second episode airing tonight on Bravo, a few of us got together to rewatch the premiere and chat about how we're feeling about the new Salt Lake City ladies so far — including the one who married her step-grandfather. Let's dive in!
Karolina Waclawiak: I have never been so excited for a new reality show in my life. “This rose is ready to handle a little prick.” Has there ever been a more iconic intro for a housewife?
Scaachi Koul: My sense is that you can tell how great a Housewives spinoff will be based on the taglines and these ones are truly unhinged. A rose that can handle a prick? I love this. So embarrazzing. Who’s gonna tell her??
KW: Hopefully no one, ever.
Shannon Keating: One of my favorite things about starting a new Housewives is seeing how horribly they all decorate their houses. Got some good ones here!
KW: I am already obsessed with Jen. I want the GIFs! Give me the RHOSL GIFs already!!!!!! I appreciate her decadeslong conviction to her crazy crayon eyebrows. I really, really do.
SK: At what point will we, and the franchise, turn on Jen, as we and it does for all its most iconic characters. On that note, I do enjoy that Jen’s house appears to be the hotel from The Shining.
Shannon: Very Shining.
[Editor's note: Scaachi and Shannon have the same initials, so Scaachi gets to claim the SK here, and Shannon is just going to be known herein as Shannon. K thanks, moving on.]
SK: I do admire how Jen’s children behave when she tries to tell them that...sexting causes AIDS? I don’t know. This woman is bananas and I would like to live in one of her wigs.
Shannon: I love the kid being like… I don’t think that’s true….
Shannon: I think a lot of people were disappointed to find out that this show is mostly ex-Mormons. Like are there any practicing Mormons? But I guess they all can’t get drunk and scream at each other if they were.
KW: OK, here comes my favorite. Heather. She, I imagine, will be the gift who gives on giving.
SK: Heather is your favorite??? HEATHER????????
Shannon: Lol, I too like Heather. I don’t know why. Is she still Mormon???
KW: Yes, of course. Because everyone is going to mean girl her. And she is the only one who has so far not disavowed homosexuals.
SK: True, but...Jen is right there. She lives in a castle. She does not know how the human body works.
KW: Listen, it’s hard to choose. There are no duds in this show. NOT A SINGLE DUD HOUSEWIFE. This is the best casting in all reality TV. I am living for their lineage explanations.
Yes, I want to know how many degrees you are away from Joseph Smith. Never has history been so perfectly interwoven in with Chanel and acrylic.
Shannon: Wait, guys, but she says she loves Black men and homosexuals, unlike your typical good Mormon woman. But is she still one? I still don’t get it.
KW: She will be excommunicated by the reunion. I’m sure of it.
SK: I think all of them are either gone from the church, or on their way out, or they’re not actually Mormon. One of them is Jewish (I do not remember her name and don’t anticipate starting now) and Mary is Pentecostal. Also, she’s married to her step-grandfather, but I guess I should let this unfold as it happens.
Shannon: I don’t even know how we’re gonna even begin with Mary.
SK: OK, this is Nameless Brunette Number One. I cannot distinguish her from Nameless Brunette Number Two, except that I think this one is hotter? Please help.
Shannon: Yeah I have no idea how/when I’ll ever tell these women apart.
Shannon: Oh, you’re right — one is a little hotter.
SK: Yeah, she has real will-step-on-your-neck energy. Oh, also, her husband sucks. Early, early start for a husband sucking this hard but, Salt Lake is truly about breaking records.
Shannon: “You can never have enough wealth and you can never have enough sex” as a first line is definitely putting him in the ranking for suckiest husband.
KW: Is it slander to say I’m sure Meredith’s husband Seth is cheating on her? Hello, I am married to her and I am very successful and I work a lot and live in a sexless marriage, AMERICA!
Shannon: Yeah this marriage is gonna be a disaster.
KW: Oh, no, the son is an influencer.
Shannon: Lisa’s children’s rooms are the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen?? “GRIT” in white letters on a giant black background over a kid’s bed… Yikes.
Shannon: Oh, Lisa is the "Jewish by birth, Mormon by choice" one. Her dog is cute!
KW: Why does Lisa’s house look like it’s a rental? Where is the opulence?
Shannon: I do not think I’m a Lisa fan. Of her house or otherwise.
Shannon: I love that Jen and Heather are friends.
KW: FWIW, I have never heard of any of Lisa’s liquor companies.
Shannon: Lollll, yes, she’s like “you’ve probably heard of my tequila…" [lists 20 names you’ve never heard of]
KW: I guess I’m not against the fact that this show is obviously a way to grow their brands and wealth and they’re not even hiding it anymore???
Shannon: I saw that Jen was already trying to hawk some mugs with her catchphrases on Twitter.
Shannon: Meredith is hot. I think she might fill the Bethenny-shaped hole in my Housewives thirsting.
KW: The problem now is I want a Porsche and Jen’s nails and a middle-aged personal assistant to drive me to lunch and to hold my purse as I get Botox in my armpits.
SK: I am personally interested in this armpit Botox situation but I would like an answer to my question: If I block off my sweat glands, where does it go???
Shannon: Omg. Where DOES it go??
Shannon: I’d love not to sweat, but like, on my face and neck and…I guess my whole body, really.
KW: I’m riveted. Do you think that Jen brought in a photo of Kimora Lee Simmons to Heather and said "make me look like this"?
SK: YES. Or, more accurately, she tells other people that Kimora wants to look like her.
Shannon: Oh, that’s good, Scaachi.
Shannon: Veeeery interested in Justin and…who is this blonde one? Oh, Whitney. A torrid affair at work! 18-year age diff! Love it, love it.
KW: Whitney gives me Anna Nicole Smith vibes.
SK: That’s dark.
Shannon: My roommate just exclaimed over how hot she is. She’s hot, but, like, instantly forgettable to me?
KW: She has a sweet baby voice though.
Shannon: She does. I’m rooting for her as I do for most age-gap relationships. Still DEVASTATED about Erika and Tom!!!!!!
KW: I love this prophet history!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SK: As someone also in a May–December relationship, I take issue with this portrayal of how they are!!! Cheating on your wife and sleeping with your much younger underling is a bad move!!!!!!!!!!!
Shannon: Yeah, but now that they’ve made it 10 years they can like, claim a little bit of the high ground?
KW: I love Whitney’s sass though. I’m here for it.
SK: Yes, they deserve credit for not breaking up after five minutes. Maybe I’m just mourning Erika and Tom, who I really thought had it all figured it with 25 years between them.
KW: “My life is so full.” Immediately takes a twirl on a stripper pole. Same, Whitney. Same.
Shannon: I am SO sad about Tom and Erika. I’d like to think they’re still buddies but are finally allowing each other to fuck other people. Or at least like, more openly pursue different lives.
KW: Me too, OMG. What an iconic Housewives couple. I’m so depressed. Sorry, can we talk about Jen’s commitment to Versace jewelry?
SK: Yes, it’s tremendous. It takes a very confident, incredible woman to pull off such hideous pieces. I would like them all for my own collection. Are my boobs big enough, I wonder.
KW: GIVE ME JEN’S NAILS. Feels like it could be a new era for me.
SK: Karolina, you will look like a large game cat with those nails.
KW: How many assistants does Jen have and how does she pay for them?
KW: This fashion is transformative for me. As is having a middle-aged man as an assistant.
Shannon: I love when someone has an assistant who’s as old or older than they are. It feels like a weird power trip.
KW: He reminds me of Valerie Cherish’s assistant from The Comeback tbh.
Shannon: I really need to watch that show.
Shannon: I will say that everybody getting all dressed up in the snow is making me wish we could all go to holiday parties this year :’(((
KW: Another brunette. No, oh god, we already met her. How many brunettes are on this show? It’s so confusing.
SK: Jesus, these laughs could shatter glass. OH HERE COME JEN’S SHOES. BLESS THIS MESS.
Shannon: You just gotta admire this level of commitment to a look.
SK: I would also add that if you have to explain your own nickname to other people, it is maybe not actually your nickname?
Shannon: Lisa looks like the kind of girl who bullied me in middle school.
SK: Yes, all these girls shopped at Aritzia in 2007 and they absolutely hate me.
KW: I have to say everyone’s commitment to their lewks makes me believe that they want to become memes.
SK: Jen with the long, straight sheet of hair is really doing it for me, unrelatedly.
Shannon: If I were on this show, I’d 100% want to be recognized and validated for my outfits. Does this make me Mary?
KW: I know they all said where their money comes from, but I actually need to know more about where their money comes from.
Shannon: Oh, for sure. I bet some weird shit happens financially in Utah. And also just generally.
SK: Oh god, oh good, here’s the explanation for Mary’s marriage. Chaos. Chaos!!!
KW: Has there ever been a reality show that puts religion so front and center? That is part of the “about me” page: “I’m Jewish, I’m Pentecostal, I’m an excommunicated Mormon, etc.”
Shannon: I was thinking that, K, unless it’s like, got the religion aspect directly in the title/promotion of it. Like a Sister Wives.
KW: Yes, totally.
KW: I need 17 episodes about the hospital smell.
Shannon: I gasped when Jen said her hospital smell was because her aunt had to have her legs amputated. Like, lady could have been there for a routine visit, but she was at the hospital because of an amputation?!!!! Gruesome.
KW: It’s a new level of pettiness. Kind of not into you right now because of the amputation smell that’s emanating off you, mmkay?
SK: Oh, Shannon, just wait for Mary’s explanation for why she does not like the smell of hospitals. It will make even less sense. No one on this show has any understanding of how the human body works.
Shannon: Because it brings her to “a dark place in her mind”?
SK: Yeah, but the “dark place” is even stranger.
Shannon: Can’t wait to learn.
KW: Do you think that Heather’s entire season arc will focus on being a divorcee who was NEVER a good-time girl but absolutely wants to be a good-time girl?
SK: Yes, also, what century are we in that they’re calling it “good-time girl.”
Shannon: Poor Heather. Is there anything sadder than saying “I wish I’d been a good-time girl”?
Shannon: I actually love it. We should bring that back.
KW: Can someone send me the Zillow of Jen’s chalet? I need square footage analysis.
Shannon: How is she not expecting her husband to ask where their furniture is.
Shannon: Curious about the amount of hot pink everybody wears. I too love a hot pink, but seems suspicious somehow.
KW: Is it because winter is so sad?
SK: Guys, it’s Housewives. Wearing this terrible color is legally required in the Bravo contract.
Shannon: I LOVE hot pink. But I like more of a fuchsia rather than this…neony kind?
SK: No, this is like, a fancy Satan pink. What if the devil was a girl who was mean to you at a Bebe in the mall. That is this color.
Shannon: You’re 100% right.
KW: OK, I changed my mind. I hate Heather.
Shannon: Lollll. I’m still interested. I want Heather to find her inner good-time girl.
KW: Give me a financial analysis of all this Housewives franchise! Can we ask an economist how they get away with glam squads and not telling their husbands how much they’re spending on things?
Shannon: I love where your head’s at, K. You can’t turn off the investigative journalist.
KW: Whoever at the NYT investigated Trump’s taxes should investigate this show. I need answers.
Shannon: Imagine being a virgin upon marriage. I know it happens. Still, what a concept!!!!
SK: Excuse me, Shannon, but SOME OF US couldn’t give it away. Not me though. I’m a real good-time girl.
Shannon: ;)
SK: This fight between Brunette Number Two and Heather is classic Housewives. Not remembering someone from 25 years ago is criminal and punishable by law.
KW: OK, back to Seth. Worst husband ever. Now mocking his wife’s age. Great job. Also, you have bad Botox, SETH.
Shannon: What do you think his “important business” is that he can’t be there for her birthday but can send her this creepy coffin of roses?
KW: If it’s not a rose coffin, what exactly is it supposed to be?
SK: Why is the child going to this party with his mother? Doesn’t he have TikToks to film?
Shannon: This white gay child doesn’t know who Prince is!!!!!!!!
Shannon: I do admire Lisa being bitchy about how everyone else dresses terribly.
KW: Did you ever think you’d live to see grown women in couture arguing about leg amputations?
Shannon: Whew.
Shannon: OK, all the flowers are this specific horrible pink? The pink is starting to feel culty.
Shannon: “Woman throws party for friend and makes it way more about her than about the friend” is a classic Housewives trope.
KW: What always bums me out about the “events” on Real Housewives is that there are ever only like 15 people in a room and the camerawork is trying to obscure that fact.
Shannon: OK, Whitney with the slicked-back hair and cape dress? Honestly iconic.
KW: I’m concerned about the IQ levels on this show. Who is this “oh shizz” blonde? Add her to the blonde list.
SK: No, she’s right. Why would she guess that her friend is throwing a Tongan-themed party for someone else who is not Tongan? It would be reasonable to think it’s her birthday!!!!! I feel sorry for her and I think she should just give me the gift she was going to give Jen.
SK: I do like Brunette Number One’s Sexy Rose Big Bird costume.
Shannon: Yeah, I’m into it. Actually a surprising amount of good looks here. As in like, maybe two.
KW: That is birthday girl Meredith! I was really hoping Seth was going to jump out of the cake as a surprise to his wife. I guess I really am a hopeless romantic.
Shannon: I’ve decided officially now that Meredith is my new crush.
KW: Guys, there’s some QAnon-level signaling with all this pink. What does it mean? It has to have a meaning. Pink outfits, pink lipstick. What is going on? What’s the message.
SK: I think it is code for “conventional femininity.”
SK: Guys, Heather is getting a rough edit in this episode. Her getting dodged for a hug, getting the first big fight, and also getting filmed licking a meat lollipop is really tragique.
KW: She is the Kim Richards of Salt Lake.
KW: Why is everyone getting their odor glands removed? Should we be Botoxing our armpits?
SK: OK, BUT, WHAT IS AN ODOR GLAND. WHY DOES IT NEED TO BE REMOVED. HOW WOULD IT LEAD TO YOU DYING ON THE TABLE. WAS IT A NECESSARY SURGERY. WHERE IS THE ODOR GLAND. HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE. IS SOMEONE A DOCTOR IN HERE, PLEASE ADVISE.
Shannon: OK, watching this a second time has made me even more excited to watch this season. I’ve recently caught up on Beverly Hills, Potomac, and New York, and I NEED Housewives right now. I need it.
KW: “I don’t know what to do with your aunt having no legs!!!” Is that the direct quote? I don’t know but it’s my new line when someone disrespects me.
SK: “Drink water,” at least the way Mary says it, is like the opposite of all those Twitter bots who keep telling me to stretch or go outside or eat lunch or whatever else. So mean!
Shannon: The legs are such a bizarre fight. It has to be real, right?
KW: What I needed in my life was a show all about the prosperity gospel. And now it has arrived. This is epic.
SK: I am...electrified.
Shannon: Thank you both for sharing this with me.
KW: SO GOOD
BETTER THAN I EVER DREAMED!!!!! ●