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21 Things The iPhone Still Can't Do

But we can dream.

Posted on September 9, 2014, at 2:41 p.m. ET

Apple announced today that it will soon roll out two new versions of the iPhone: the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus.

Getty Images Justin Sullivan

The new phones will feature a new message application that includes audio messages, a new thumb controller that’s easy to use one-handed, and a health app that takes advantage of the phone's new sensors.

That's all incredibly impressive and useful, but there are still a lot of things the phone can't do. Stuff we REALLY need, like...

1. A thing that lets you know in advance if a call or text is good news or bad news.

Comedy Central

2. An option in iMessage that would allow you to keep a list of words that can never ever be sent over text, so you can keep it from accidentally autocorrecting to embarrassing words.

Like "dong" or "penis," for example.

3. Also, the option to set your phone to send "yeah" and "lol" automatically when boring people text you.


4. A visual version of Siri that can identify anything you take a picture of, and can basically be a Shazam for people's faces.

Warner Bros.

5. A function in Apple Maps that gives you real-time street harassment traffic updates so you can pick the least irritating route to your destination.

Comedy Central

6. A thing that automatically checks Twitter before you tweet to let you know if other people have already made the same joke.


7. A built-in breathalizer, and the option to block you from doing certain things if you're too drunk.

Manufactured Superstars

8. An app that automatically generates the perfect clever comeback to anything.


9. An iPhone that won't work at all if someone other than yourself tries to use it; it will only respond to your voice and hands.


10. The ability to delete Stocks and other preloaded apps.


No one needs Stocks!

11. The ability to talk to your cat. Like, REALLY talk to your cat.

SenorGif / Via

12. An app that works like an actual honest-to-goodness functioning mirror.


Grainy cameras can only take you so far!

13. A front-facing camera with instant photoshopping and contouring capabilities.


14. A "candle" app with a friendlier version of the flashlight that will emit a cozy golden multidirectional glow instead of a horrible blinding white beam.

15. The ability to emit an energy beam that will stun people, like a phaser on Star Trek.


16. Or hell, an energy sword like a lightsaber in Star Wars.


There's no way that would be a problem, right?

17. And, while we're thinking big, how about a teleportation app?


18. A battery that doesn't totally die by lunchtime.

4Gifs / Via

19. An iPhone that's made of indestructible glass.

Joakim Jardenberg / Via Flickr: jocke66

20. Or one that's totally waterproof.

21. And, of course, an iPhone that can reciprocate your love.

Warner Bros.

A BuzzFeed News investigation, in partnership with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists, based on thousands of documents the government didn't want you to see.