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15 Things Neanderthals Are Sick And Tired Of Hearing

"We would never have sex with you. It's gross." DNA suggests you did.

Posted on March 27, 2015, at 3:15 p.m. ET

1. "Let me guess: You're the direct ancestor of humans, right?"

Warner Bros. / Via

More like your sexier distant cousins, since we share a common ancestor. But humans didn't evolve from neanderthals.

2. "Where are you REALLY from?"

Seoul Broadcasting System / Via

Obviously, not America. It's complicated, but if you want specifics....

Our early ancestors most likely evolved into Neanderthals at least 230,000 years ago in Europe or Asia (but it could even be thousands of years earlier than that). So, I guess, that makes us Eurasian? I dunno?

3. "But what kind of human are you?"

Cristina Arias / Via Getty Images

Denisovan, obviously. Lol, JK. Nobody has even heard of Denisovans. Those poor, unfortunate souls.

4. "Wait a second... Are you even...human?"

Columbia Pictures / Via

Why are people constantly debating this? Homo sapiens or Homo neanderthalensis? We're both from the Homo genus so does it really matter?

Some scientists spread rumors that Neanderthals are a sub-species of modern humans, but the latest research suggests that we are a distinct species of our own. A 2015 study published in the Journal of Human Evolution even found anatomical differences between our species and humans in some of our smallest bones.

We're always living in modern human's shadow, sadly.

5. "You ugly. And fat."


YOU ugly. And, screw the human beauty standard, which makes no sense in evolutionary terms. Modern humans are certainty thinner, which meant your early ancestors froze their asses off when they arrived in Europe. We, on the other hand, are short and stocky, which keeps us warm.

Besides, Homo sapiens sapiens think we're hot...

6. "We would NEVER have sex with you. Sorry. It's gross."

23andMe / Via

Yeah riiight. Let's be real. Humans are too horny not to fuck other species.

A team of researchers sequenced our genome in 2010. When they compared it to humans, they determined that most humans living outside of Africa have about 1–4% Neanderthal DNA.

7. "I heard you don't have funerals. Don't you respect the dead? That's kinda weird...and savage-like."

HBO / Via

First of all, "savage" is subjective. But I'm sure this rumor got started because of cavemen stereotypes and human arrogance. We absolutely bury our dead intentionally evidenced by remains that scientists excavated in France.

Anyway, who cares if we do or don't bury our dead? It's kind of a waste of space, if you think about it.

8. "You guys are dumbasses. Humans are smarter. That's just the way science works. Survival of the fittest, bitch."

20th Century Fox / Via

Research published in a 2014 PLOS One study suggests that humans are not cognitively superior (sorry, guys). We are just as innovative as you guys.

9. "How come you don't know how to hunt?"

E! / Via

For some reason, some scientists used to think that we were scavengers like hyenas, and "man" is superior for his voracious hunting abilities. But research published by Trent University proves we are skilled hunters.

10. "Haven't you heard"

Ullstein Bild / Via Getty Images

Pls. Who do you think invented the damn thing while you were prancing around in the forest? According to a 2013 study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, we were making advanced tools when humans were still using primitive pointed bone tools. In fact, you guys probably learned how to make sophisticated tools from us.

11. "Is it true that you guys only eat meat? Have you ever even eaten a plant? It's so much more healthier."

Disney / Via

Uhh, We sort of invented this thing you call the "paleo" diet. In fact, Our diet is probably healthier than some Americans. We use plants for tons of things, like bedding and food. We eat figs, palm fruit, legumes, acorns, pistachios, fruit, and possibly, wild cereals, according to Cambridge University archeologists.

12. "Why don't you like to wear jewelry?"

Str / Via Getty Images

We are stylish mofos. We even make jewelry out of eagle talons, like any natural badass would do. Archeologists recently found 130,000-year-old Neanderthal jewelry, which is the oldest jewelry that has ever been found in Europe, according to 2015 study published in PLOS One.

13. "Do you even know how to speak? Like, how can you even understand what each other says?"

Columbia Pictures / Via

Nah, we just grunt.

Some scientists think we don't have have the proper vocal cords to speak. But paleontologists at the University of New England took a 3D X-ray image of Neanderthal remains and concluded that our vocal tract is probably used the same way as modern humans, which suggests that our language is similar to yours.

14. "Is it true that all of y'all's parents are deadbeats? I heard they don't really care about you."

E! / Via

Come on, do you REALLY think our parents just left us behind to fend for ourselves? There's no way we could last that long in the wild if that was the case. Our parents gave us significant attention when we were children, which is probably why our social bonds are so strong, according to evidence published in the Oxford Journal of Archaeology.

15. "Elephant in the room: How come you sort of...died out?"

AMC / Via

OK. It's true. We died out a long-ass time ago. Scientists are unsure about why we went extinct, but it's certainly more complex than "humans outsmarted Neanderthals, duh."

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