Hi, buddies. I hope you all had a good holiday break and that the new year isn’t kicking you in the dick with an ice skate. Speaking of being kicked in the dick with an ice skate, in this installment of Heart in a Blender, I advise a guy who got kicked in the dick with an ice skate — and a woman with trust issues surrounding her possibly bisexual ex. Both of these letters center on a need to grapple with the past in order to move forward.
I want to thank my friend Wagatwe Wanjuki for offering her insight and expertise on the second question. I also want to thank the letter writers for their willingness to speak candidly on these subjects, as this stuff is not easy to discuss. Let’s get into it!
“Suddenly I’m on My Knees, Gasping for Air”
Dear Eve 6 Guy,
Back when I was a freshman in high school over a decade ago, I was involved in my youth group, which held an annual ski trip. I was totally jacked because I was looking forward to grinding the slopes, spending some quality time with my first-ever girlfriend, and enjoying being eight hours away from family, in a foreign country. During this time, I was a total nice guy, just a passive do-gooder who didn't really believe in revenge or getting back at people.
Meanwhile, an upperclassman I’ll call Tristan came on the trip. Tristan and I were on the same football team, but I really didn’t know the guy and mostly stayed away from him because I could tell he was just a little off. Maybe had some unresolved issues.
One of the days on the trip, we went ice skating. The girls and boys split up, so I was doing general hooligan teenage shit with my buddies. On the rink, I spent the first 20 or so minutes just warming up on the ice. In the meantime, my buddies got hold of Tristan’s sunglasses and started playing a game of keepaway. Like I said, general hooligan shit. Then one of my buddies handed the glasses off to me, and I sped off, now suddenly part of the game.
Tristan couldn’t keep up with me, and he went crying, literally, to our chaperones about this ordeal. When I see this happening, I skate to them and hand the glasses over. I recall that we were on the verge of making up when he, still wearing his skates, kicked me right in the fucking dick. Suddenly I’m on my knees, gasping for air. I’m holding my junk in my hands, but because I’m all bundled up I can’t tell if my dick is bleeding or not.
The rest is a bit of a blur. I remember going back to the hotel room, my buddies surrounding me as I pulled my pants down to observe the damage. I had a bruise on the head of my penis. But no blood. I was, for a moment, grateful. I still have a light bruise that I expect to carry all my life, but aside from that, no health problems related to what he did to me.
As far as I know, Tristan never actually suffered any consequences for his behavior. I didn’t consider pressing charges, because we were in a foreign country and I wasn’t familiar with what the rules were — but honestly, I never even asked or looked into it. He moved away about two months later, before I think I even had time to process things.
Time went by, and I tried to forget all about it, but I feel like this incident is unresolved. Tristan is a mutual friend on Facebook, and every time I see his name I seethe. I feel like I should have taken some kind of action to see that something was done to remedy the situation, but I never did. As far as I can remember, he got away with it without even having to apologize to me.
I’ve thought about reaching out to him to let him know my feelings but shy away every time. I’m still not totally over this nice-guy thing, but I am trying to lead a life where I tell people how I am feeling instead of keeping it all bottled up. What would you do, Eve 6 Guy?
—Bruised and Confused
Hi Bruised and Confused,
I wouldn’t go as far as to tell you you deserved to get kicked in the dick with an ice skate, but you did deserve to get kicked in the dick. The situation you describe here is a classic bully dynamic. You and your friends saw an easy target in the kid who was a little weird. Low risk and high reward. But it didn’t turn out that way.
I’m not going to be too hard on you here, because a) you were a teenager, and few of us escaped adolescence without acting like an asshole on more than one occasion, and b) your wrong has already been cosmically adjudicated (you got kicked in the dick).
However, I do think we should look at your reluctance to let go of your resentment. It seems that your grievance is not with the kid who kicked, but with yourself for your response, or lack thereof, which you subconsciously feel confirms an innate cowardice on your part.
Here’s a thought exercise: Put yourself in Tristan’s skates for a moment. What if the roles had been reversed, and it had been your glasses that were taken by a group you were barred from being a member of? Imagine the powerlessness and lack of control you would feel in that moment. The loneliness of realizing no one was going to join your side to advocate for you and the anger that would well up. What would you have done?
His reaction may not have been right, but it certainly wasn’t unreasonable, and it sounds like it was probably effective, too. Did you and your friends fuck with him after The Kick? My guess is no.
You probably were — and still are — a nice guy. But being generally nice doesn’t make a person infallible or immune to peer pressure when your brain isn’t fully developed yet. One difficult part of this situation is that you took part in an activity (bullying) that contradicted the reputation you wanted to enjoy (the nice guy).
We all have events from our adolescence that challenged our burgeoning sense of self, and they may scan as silly or even slapstick at first, but they aren’t.
Rather than truly face that contradiction, you diminished your wrong and put a magnifying glass on his. Ego preservation is totally understandable — we all do it. You also probably felt like you’d been exposed as a coward in that moment in front of your peers. You accepted the kick in the dick without getting back at him somehow. But the cowardly act was participating in the situation in the first place. Part of you probably knew you kind of deserved it!
You asked me what I would do, and I’m going to tell you, and you’re probably not going to like it. I would reach out to him and apologize. If this guy had done serious and irreparable damage to your dong, I would not suggest that you be the one to extend the olive branch, but thankfully that isn’t the case. He could have really injured you badly, though, and when you make amends for your part in this, he should respond in kind.
However, he might not. That’s where managing your expectations comes in. You’re doing your part to right the wrong. Cleaning your side of the street, so to speak. If he decides to clean his side too, that’s great, but whether he does or doesn’t isn’t your responsibility.
It may seem counterintuitive to be the first one to say you’re sorry, but I think you will be surprised at how quickly your resentment dissipates after you take this simple action. Be accountable. Be honest. Jettison expectations.
We all have events from our adolescence that challenged our burgeoning sense of self, and they may scan as silly or even slapstick at first, but they aren’t. It’s good to look at this stuff, to make peace with it, and to finally let it go.
Yours,
The Eve 6 Guy
"How Do I Ever Trust Again After Being Deceived for Years?"
Dear Eve 6 Guy,
I’m a 34-year-old woman. I found out after four years of being together with my partner that he liked to be fucked by men and had been lying to me about it the whole time we were together. He ended up being bisexual, but with all the lies, I don’t know what to believe.
I met Doug on a dating website and fell in love with him immediately. He had been in prison for five years before I met him. He told me it was for transporting and distributing a large amount of marijuana in Texas. I never really thought that him being in prison was a problem. He told me he had learned his lesson and never wanted to go back. I believed him and never found a reason to think otherwise.
I should have paid more attention to the red flags, but he moved in with me less than four months later. We never actually got married, but we referred to each other as husband and wife because we bought a house together and lived and acted like we were married. For the most part, I thought we were happy in our house, with our dog.
As a condition of Dave’s release from prison, he was on probation for four years, so he did not do any drugs at all that I know of during that time. When his probation ended, we were both really excited to smoke weed together for the first time! That is what started all the problems.
I guess we hadn’t really been entirely happy together; I just didn’t want to notice it. We started discussing possibly having a threesome or dating other people to spice up our love life. Doug started bringing up how he used to play with anal toys with an ex many years ago and wanted to try it again. He asked if I would join, and I agreed. We went to the sex shop together and got toys for both of us to use. Doug ended up enjoying his toys a lot!
Then he asked me to peg him, which I did with no argument because I loved him and wanted to do what made him happy. But honestly I did not enjoy it at all. I’m not a fan of anal sex — it’s gross to me. And I like normal sex a lot!
One day, we both decided to go on separate dates to start a kind of open relationship. That’s when I found out that he liked to be fucked by men. Doug found a man to have sex with and probably do drugs with. I found a man to go fuck as well. I enjoyed it because I wasn’t getting the sex I needed at home. But I am not the type to go sleeping with different men, so I was not entirely happy about it.
After that, I think Doug started doing meth without telling me. He started behaving erratically and not eating — he lost 20 pounds very quickly. The drugs caused constant fighting in our house. He started accusing me of cheating, even though I wasn’t and we supposedly had an open relationship.
One day, he was being so crazy that I had to leave the house. He punched a hole in the bathroom door, he slashed up a painting with a large knife, he yelled at me and threatened me. So I had him arrested for domestic violence. I don’t regret it; I didn’t know what else to do. I really hoped that he would get the help that he needed.
He had a mandatory restraining order placed on him, which prevented us from talking to each other at all. We sold the house that we owned together and never spoke a word. It was a crazy experience!
To this day, I don’t know if he is bisexual or just gay. I don’t know the truth about a lot of things and I honestly probably never will. I am open to exploring sexual experiences and fetishes with a partner, but don’t lie to me about it.
So, how do I ever trust again after being deceived by my partner for years? Is there even any hope to ever trust again? I have tried meeting new people and dating a couple guys, but I always end up screwing it up because I cannot trust anyone at all right now. I don’t know if maybe I just need some more time? Or if I should just not date at all for a little bit? Life gets lonely and I miss having a partner. I loved having a “husband” and ideally would like to find someone to share my life with again.
—Rose
Hi Rose,
What I’m about to tell you may seem like I’m being hard on you, but I feel like I can best be of service to you by speaking freely. Your ex’s sexuality isn’t the problem here. By making it the problem, you are avoiding looking at the real reasons why this relationship was set up to fail. And by not looking at the real reasons, you are all but ensuring that you will wind up in a similar situation down the road.
You mentioned that you “should have paid more attention to the red flags.” But there’s a giant Midwestern auto dealership–sized red flag that you haven’t seemed to identify: that you fell in love with him immediately after meeting him on a dating website. The truth is, you didn’t actually fall in love with him. You can’t fall in love with someone you don’t even know. Love at first sight, or on the first date, is a silly concept. The real issue here is that you and Doug sprinted through the stages of a relationship.
Your ex certainly misrepresented himself to you. This isn’t cool. He may have lied to you by omission, but it also may not have been as simple as that. If he had shame surrounding his sexuality, he may also have been lying to himself or attempting to will himself to be someone he wasn’t. This doesn’t make him blameless, but it does complicate the matter.
It can be reductive to think of Doug as simply lying. He could have been dealing with layers of social conditioning and a surplus of guilt and shame that could have made his identity difficult to distinguish, even to himself. Of course, I can’t pretend to know the inner workings of his mind, and he may have been more calculating than this. But I can say this with total certainty: The way he treated you toward the end of the relationship is totally indefensible, and I’m glad you were able to get out of the situation.
Because your letter touches on some fraught topics that I have no expertise in, I reached out to my friend Wagatwe Wanjuki, a feminist theorist and anti-rape activist. Here’s what she had to say:
Considering what Rose went through, I am not surprised she has trust issues. However, I don’t think it’s because her ex is bisexual. It’s because her story read like a classic downward spiral of an abusive (or, at the very least, toxic) relationship: falling in love immediately. Moving in quickly. Not verifying why he went to prison. Ignoring that she wasn’t completely happy in the relationship. Having sex with him that she didn’t enjoy. Dating other men when she wasn’t really into it. The restraining order.
These are all bad things, regardless of her ex’s sexuality! There are so many actual red flags to focus on and his sexuality is honestly the least concerning part — and whether he’s really bi or not doesn’t matter.
Wagatwe and I agree that you should approach your next relationship completely differently. Don’t rush it. Do what you can in the future to vet your partners before you become serious with them. Believe that you’re worthy of real love, which you are! Real love is open and honest and requires two people who are willing to show their true selves to one another. This can take time.
You owe it to yourself to allow it to and to heed the red flags if and when they appear. This will foster trust in yourself. When you can trust yourself, you will both attract people who are more trustworthy and be better able to spot those who aren’t.
Yours,
The Eve 6 Guy
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