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What It's Like To Play Candy Crush

It's like selling your soul to the devil. BUT WORSE.

Posted on June 20, 2013, at 1:34 p.m. ET

First it's like, WOOH GONNA PLAY CANDY CRUSH!!! MY FAV GAME! It's loading, omg you can hardly wait.

Then you're in and jeez everyone wants your help. CHECK ALL, OK WHATEVER LET'S GO.

Wooh! You have five full lives. It's level 68. Things are awesome. Life is great.

And look at that, you are literally KILLING IT.

This level is easy. Everything is easy. Just got two stripes, bitches!!!

And then you get the holy grail. The sprinkled cookie.


It doesn't even matter what this thing is. It's your best friend and you are going to marry it.

Then things change. You just can't fucking beat this level. LIKE HI, MOVE THE BLUE ONE OVER, STUPID GAME.

And you tried to use a lollipop and it did nothing and it sucked.

Then the chocolate starts taking over your screen like a monster blob.

And then this happens and you're like, "WTF I CAN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING."

But then there's that little sprinkled thing again and you calm down. It's OK. All is OK.


And you consider purchasing some stripes to give you the push you need. But then you see how much it costs and you laugh and throw your phone.

So like some beggar, you take to Facebook. And you are relying on people you haven't seen since high school to give you a life.

And then you are waiting and your eye starts twitching.

And then someone helped you. And you're like, "Thank you, stranger. I owe you my life."

But before you start playing again, you scroll up to the top and realize someone you know is actually at the last level and you hate them.

And this is you:

But whatever, this is YOUR game. And you will make it happen for yourself.

Even if there are so many jellies your head explodes.

You will make it.

And maybe one day...a long time in the future...this will be you.

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