Sit down because this raccoon is about to give you a master class in giving as few fucks as possible.
This is Jenny Serwylo, a wedding planner in Toronto. On Tuesday night, she had a raccoon encounter that is truly one for the books.
It was 1:30 a.m. and Serwylo was in bed when she heard weird noises coming from the kitchen.
"I ran down the hall and when I got to the kitchen I saw there were, like, three raccoons in there," she told BuzzFeed News.
One was riffling through the garbage, one was still hanging out the window trying to get in, and one was on the counter. She grabbed a broom and managed to shoo two of them back out the hole they'd made in her window screen.
But one little trash panda scooted behind the toaster oven and set up shop.
Serwylo said the raccoon pretty well stared her down while eating everything it could reach.
"He grabbed my tortillas and he ate all my tortillas, then he tore open a bag of English muffins and ate those," she said.
"He just looked at me like, 'Dude, I'm eating dinner, get out of here.'"
The whole time, Serwylo was banging the broom and making hissing and growling noises in an attempt to scare it away. Nothing worked. She called the city a few times and, while they laughed along with her, their only advice was to call a pest control company. She tried, but couldn't get through to one.
Meanwhile, the other two raccoons were scratching at the window to get back in.
Finally, after about 30 minutes, the raccoon decided it was done with the bread course.
He poked around a bit more, trying to get some cat food and stopping at a mug for some water.
"He looked at me, yawned, scratched his stomach, and climbed up and went back out the window," she said.
"He just shuffled out the way he came in."
"Before this, I'd only had the normal Toronto raccoon experiences," said Serwylo.
"I still like them — they need to eat, I guess — but they're kind of a pain in the ass."
On the bright side, after two disinfecting washes, she said, her kitchen has never been cleaner.