Prancer probably wouldn't like you — not if you're a man or a child or an animal or if you get between him and anyone he does happen to like.
And yet, the internet is in love with Prancer.
Prancer is a wee Chihuahua in New Jersey who has gone viral after his foster mom wrote a brutally honest post appealing for someone to take this little gremlin off her hands.
"There’s not a very big market for neurotic, man hating, animal hating, children hating dogs that look like gremlins. But I have to believe there’s someone out there for Prancer, because I am tired and so is my family," wrote Tyfanee Fortuna in a now-viral Facebook post.
"Every day we live in the grips of the demonic Chihuahua hellscape he has created in our home," she added. "If you own a Chihuahua you probably know what I’m talking about. He’s literally the Chihuahua meme that describes them as being 50% hate and 50% tremble. If you’re intrigued and horrified at how this animal sounds already, just wait....there’s more."
Prancer came to Fortuna, who has been working with rescue animals since she was a kid, "obese, wearing a cashmere sweater, with a bacon egg n cheese stuffed in his crate with him." Prancer's former owner was going into assisted living and their family didn't know what to do with Prancer, who was not socialized.
Fortuna has a reputation for dealing with small, difficult animals, and stepped up to the plate.
"He lived a very secluded life. His first two weeks with me he was so fat and scared. He never ate dog food in his life," she told BuzzFeed News.
That was in November. Fortuna has since been working with Prancer, getting him down to a healthy size and used to dog food.
But Prancer's quirks aren't going anywhere.
"Prancer very quickly attached himself to my mom. He decided that would be his new human. This is when we started to see the severity of his guarding issues with men and other animals," she said. "He knows what is acceptable and what’s not, but his rage takes over sometimes. It’s like his mind just lets Jesus (Satan?) take the wheel."
In the six months Fortuna has had Prancer, he has never accepted her husband.
"If you have a husband don’t bother applying, unless you hate him," she wrote in her post.
Other pets are also a no-go.
"Have other dogs? Cats? Don’t apply unless they like being shaken up like a ragdoll by a 13lb rage machine."
Kids? Don't even think about it.
"He’s never been in the presence of a child, but I can already imagine the demonic noises and shaking fury that would erupt from his body if he was. Prancer wants to be your only child."
And yet, despite being so difficult on paper, the internet is smitten with little Prancer.
Fortuna's post was turned into a viral Tweet that has gotten so much love for Prancer.
This is the best thing I’ve read in awhile.
There truly is a human for every dog in need.
@HLMongoose “I bet she wrote some mean shit didn’t she? It’s aight I’m going to piss in her shoes later and then shake about it.” I’ll take him right now
@HLMongoose This accurately describes my very handsome and deeply disturbed son Gary. When he gets put away like a vacuum so I can have friends over or work done, etc., he goes to Gary Jail. 😹
@HLMongoose Prancer sounds just like how my Dexter used to be when my fiancé and I first rescued him. Luckily we found a trainer who was committed to working with him and the bulk of his unwanted behaviors have been corrected. Good luck Prancer! You’ll find your person ❤️❤️
@jimperbamming @HLMongoose I like how it's written like "how am I gonna find someone to adopt this dog" and ppl are like "omg this is my dream dog." There is a lid for every pot. 😂😂😂
Fortuna said Prancer's ideal home would be a household of only women, and if guests come over, "he would have to be put away like he’s a vacuum."
Prancer is available from Second Chance Pet Adoption League, which told BuzzFeed News that the post has generated a ton of offers to take Prancer in. There hasn't been a right fit yet (they need to be local with no kids, men, or other pets around), but "hopefully all the attention will help him find his person."
Fortuna said she's also happy to see that Prancer is getting some attention.
"I had that bio sitting in my notes for days. People don’t usually read long adoption bios, and I was scared it would be a flunk," she said.
"I honestly was thinking I’d be lucky if it got 20 shares on Facebook. I never anticipated the reach it would have!"