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Mark Zuckerberg's Dog Has A Few Things To Say About Facebook's Stock

Beast told Mark he would've been a great CFO, and now look what happened.

Posted on May 25, 2012, at 2:01 p.m. ET

1. Mark, you can't distract me with steak. We're down five points.

2. The market is a cruel mistress.

3. I've spent, like, five nights in a row investigating our derivatives. IT'S A DISASTER.

4. You want to know what would be a good birthday present? Help me unload 50% of my shares.

5. I can't even spend an hour at the gym without the clowns at Morgan Stanley calling me to solve some emergency.

6. Let's go chew out Cheryl Sandberg.

7. I miss the roadshow.

8. Not going to lie, I expected a little more from a guy who's worth $20 billion.


10. The secret to a successful presentation to shareholders? Be clean.

11. My hair gets poofy when I'm stressed.

12. I haven't gotten up from my desk in 15 hours. Not even to pee.

13. Rub my belly and tell me how many shares I have.

14. If you need me, I'll be washing my paws of your IDIOCY.

15. Market-moving events make me hungry.

16. I still don't understand why Bernanke insisted I be neutered, but whatever.

17. No insider trading going on here. I promise.

18. Look at this face and tell me you don't think Facebook's a Buy.

A BuzzFeed News investigation, in partnership with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists, based on thousands of documents the government didn't want you to see.