The Ultimate Guide To Being A Woman

According to everyone else.

1. Be happy and appreciative of everything you have because women have come really, really far.

2. Smile, especially when people gawk at you and catcall you on the street. Accepting compliments is the polite thing to do.

3. Understand that catcalling and discrimination is just inevitable and is a part of your everyday life. Don't expect that to change.

4. Whatever you do, don't ask for it.

5. Deal with online harassment and just expect it to happen; after all, it comes with the territory.

6. Whenever a man asks for your number, just give it to him. You don't really have a choice.

7. But don't be too forward, or else you'll come off as slutty.

8. Lean in. Sacrifice whatever you need to in order to get ahead.

9. Work twice as hard as men and be incredibly impressive at your job.

10. But don't expect to get paid as much.

11. And definitely don't even think about asking for a raise to compensate your hard work.

12. Also, make sure not to be too bossy. No one likes a bitch.

13. Expect to encounter sexism in your workplace because that's just a part of life.

14. Deal with your period every month and go on with your life like it's not even happening, no matter how much pain you're in or discomfort you experience. It's not an excuse to complain, take off work, or miss school.

16. Eat whatever you want; don't worry about calorie counting because you owe it to yourself to splurge and be happy.

17. But don't gain too much weight. Clothes look way better on skinnier women, and there will be plenty more options if you fit into smaller sizes.

18. Embrace your natural beauty; no one likes a woman who's trying too hard.

19. And definitely don't get any obvious-looking plastic surgery done.

20. But live with the insane body image and beauty pressures that our culture places on women.

21. Be happy every time your gender is represented in the media or the government decides to take your personhood into account.

22. Even when this means consuming negative media portrayals of women, no matter how offensive or stereotypical that representation may be.

23. Justify your desire and/or need to make decisions about your own body.

24. Keep up with the guys when you go out to the bars; never order a "girly drink."

25. But don't get too drunk, or else you'll look like a slutty mess and people will take advantage of you.

26. Don't walk alone at night or go anywhere by yourself.

27. Always tell someone where you're going, when you leave, who you're with, and what your general plans are; it's your job to protect yourself from the possible violence other people can perpetrate against you.

28. Know how to defend yourself against an attacker, since you live in a world where being a woman is a threat in itself.

29. Wearing a short skirt or dress is a recipe for disaster. Don't look too pretty and attract attention to yourself.

30. Report your assault to the police. You should trust cops to do the right thing even though they say things like, "Women need to stop spreading their legs like peanut butter."

31. If a guy wants to have sex with you, make sure you very obviously and clearly say "no" because consent laws assume you mean "yes" unless you note otherwise.

32. Enjoy the sex you're having that's generally geared toward male pleasure or family planning.

33. If you don't enjoy it, just fake it.

34. If a guy hits on you and you're not interested, don't tell him you have a boyfriend.

35. But feel safe living in a world where men don't take no for an answer unless they think another man is "protecting you."

36. If you didn't receive a comprehensive sex education, make sure you figure it out; find the tools and resources to teach yourself.

37. Be the right kind of abortion-getter; the kind who has a good enough reason to do it, feels devastated after, and is completely defined by it.

38. Bear the responsibility of having to convince your boss they should pay for your basic health care needs, even though you can't help the body you were born into.

39. Don't take nude photos of yourself because if someone else hacks into your public property and releases those photos, it's all your fault for having taken them.

40. If you want to be well-liked and approachable, make sure not to be confrontational have any opinions or let them be known.

41. Live your life knowing that ultimately everything you do and don't do should revolve around and lead up to children and marriage.

42. In fact, these two things are absolutely essential and are the entire point of your existence.

43. Don't wait too long to get married; you don't want to be an old maid. The younger you are and the quicker you find The One, the more time you'll have to spend with each other.

44. Don't be too young when you get married, either. Be prepared to defend your choice to people who don't treat you like an adult who can make her own decisions.

45. Meet your significant other in college so that you have more in common and better grounds for a long and healthy relationship. After all, why else would you go to an elite, exclusive college?

46. Be careful not to jump into relationships too soon before you know who you are on your own terms. It's important to be really ready and confident in your own independence before you commit to anyone else.

47. If you want to marry another woman, jump through hoops to feel socially accepted and don't be surprised if you can't actually get married in the majority of places in the world.

48. If you get married and change your last name, it's OK for people to ask you why you did. If you get married and don't change your last name, it's OK for people to ask you why you didn't.

49. Have kids โ€” the earlier the better.

50. If you're getting older and haven't had kids yet, freeze your eggs. Best to plan head.

51. Balance your career and motherhood like a pro, even though your male colleagues or partner won't be expected to do the same.

52. Protect your children at all costs, even if it feels impossible.

53. Be the best mom in the entire world.

54. But don't breast-feed in public or post photos of yourself doing it.

55. Don't like sports, because the majority of people won't expect you to or assume you have any substantial sports knowledge.

56. But if you do, make sure you know EVERYTHING.

57. Be strong enough to leave the abusive relationship you're in. You should know better than to get involved in abusive relationships to begin with.

58. Don't instigate any problems, especially since being complacent won't get you into any trouble.

59. Especially avoid talking back or starting a problem that will provoke your partner to hurt you.

60. But still know when to stand up for yourself; independent women are sexy.

61. Act like a lady and know your place.

62. Be girly enough, but don't be annoyingly girly in the stereotypical way.

63. Vote for and support female candidates just because they're women. If you don't, you better have a damn good reason since all women are obviously the same and uphold identical ideologies.

64. Fit into a certain, specific feminist criteria determined by other people and defend your feminist identity every time someone has an issue or challenges something they think contradicts it.

65. But don't talk about feminism too much, because no one will date you if you sound angry.

66. Be quiet and don't take up too much space in public.

67. Be all things to all people at all times, just don't expect anything in return.

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