Chrissy Teigen on Tuesday opened up about losing her baby after being hospitalized for pregnancy complications, telling readers in an essay posted on Medium, “I’m not sure I’ll ever forget the experience.”
Last month, Teigen shared that she and her husband John Legend lost their baby after her doctors diagnosed her with partial placenta abruption. She said then that she would have to be induced to deliver the baby prematurely at 20 weeks, knowing he would not survive.
“After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either,” Teigen wrote.
Legend was instructed to take photos and document their time in the hospital, Teigen added, even though he was uncomfortable at some points in the process.
“I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell,” she wrote.
“It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story," she wrote.
Some people criticized Teigen for sharing photos from the hospital. She wrote, "I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos.”
She added, “I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
Teigen said she and Legend named their baby Jack, and added that while it’s been a heartbreaking experience, she’s been extra grateful to spend time with her two children, Luna and Miles.
“People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full. Maybe *too* bursting full, actually,” she said. “I find myself randomly crying, thinking about how happy I am to have two insanely wonderful little toddlers who fill this house with love. I smother them with love while they 'Moooooooom!!!!!' me. I don’t care.”
Earlier this month, Legend performed a song at the Billboard Music Awards called "Never Break" and dedicated it to Teigen. The song includes these lyrics: "Whenever life is hard / We'll never lose our way," "You are the explanation / Of what love really means," and "Built on a foundation / Stronger than the pain."
Addressing fans who followed her the journey of her pregnancy, Teigen said she was excited to share their news “with the world” and document it on social media, but “it’s hard to look at them now.”
“I feel bad our grief was so public because I made the joy so public,” she wrote. “I was so positive it would be okay. I feel bad that I made you all feel bad. I always will.”
While she’s experienced grief and sadness, Teigen said she’s felt supported by fans, friends, family members, and even strangers.
“The moments of kindness have been nothing short of beautiful,” she wrote. “I went to a store where the checkout lady quietly added flowers to my cart. Sometimes people will approach me with a note. The worst part is knowing there are so many women that won’t get these quiet moments of joy from strangers.
"I beg you to please share your stories and to please be kind to those pouring their hearts out. Be kind in general, as some won’t pour them out at all.”