A couple of days ago, Info Wars host, conspiracy theory aficionado, and frequent shirtless person Alex Jones tweeted that Democrats were planning to launch a second Civil War on the 4th of July and revolt against President Donald Trump.
BREAKING: Democrats Plan To Launch Civil War On July 4th https://t.co/38AWiUFaag
There is, of course, no evidence that any such thing is going to or would ever happen.
While we wait for official word from the Democratic Party about its looming, nonexistent insurrection, people took to Twitter to make jokes about it using the hashtag #SecondCivilWarLetters.
My Dear John, The war isn't going as planned. Our supply trucks are limited. I'm out of wine and sunscreen. The enemy burned all the books and there is no place to recharge my Kindle. The only music is an old CD of Justin Bieber. - All is lost. #secondcivilwarletters
#SecondCivilWarLetters My dearest betrothed, It is the eve of battle here in Bowling Green. The enemy is so close we can smell their Old Spice and citronella tiki torches. We have awaited an anticipated attack for days but have only encountered mispelled tweets and dank memes.
Most of the gags took the form of letters from front line soldiers like those featured in Ken Burns' iconic Civil War documentary series.
Dearest, I am okay. I was almost captured by a curly hair blonde girl with an AR-15. But she was just taking selfies with the gun so I was able to escape. Best, Tony #secondcivilwarletters
My Dear Beloved, News has trickled down that the leader's bride wears a uniform stating her lack of concern. Whilst her fucks have become depleted, alas, ours do runneth over. We intend to gather them and rally before the winter. #secondcivilwarletters
There were lots of references to avocado toast.
I pulled on my yoga pants, stopped at Starbucks for a skinny latte and grabbed my iPhone and a portable battery. I worried I wouldn’t go to the right battleground but luckily it was location tagged on Facebook. I knew I could postmate avocado toast for lunch. #SecondCivilWar
Dearest Amy, We have discovered their wifi password. It was password. We're now blocking access to pornhub, lyft/uber, league of legends, grubhub and twitter. Their howls among the dimming tiki torches warms our spirits. #secondcivilwarletters #SecondCivilWar
"I was captured at the battle of Starbucks and have been forced to watch the Dukes of Hazard for what feels like an eternity," one Twitter user said.
My love, I'm unsure you will ever read this. I was captured at the battle of Starbucks and have been forced to watch the Dukes of Hazard for what feels like eternity. When I asked for water, I was given Budweiser, when I asked for bread I was given KFC. #secondcivilwarletters
Chrissy Teigen even weighed in with a joke of her own.
I have to go to Ralph’s then need to shower but I can shower after the war I guess
Lol.
Dearest husband, we of the condo owners infantry have bunked for the night at Anytime Fitness. We will do battle with enemy at Crossfit come the dawn. We run low on Clif bars. #secondcivilwarletters
Seriously, don't forget the sunscreen!
I can't believe it. I overslept. Did the war start? Is it okay if I wear shorts? Do any of you white folks need sunscreen? I have some I've never used. I don't want the medical tents full of you guys talking about "Watch me peel my skin." Not cool. #SecondCivilWar
We must never forget.
I’m already bored with the #SecondCivilWar. I’m way more into #secondcivilwar reenactments.
Happy 4th of July!
