The Woke Agenda Finally Came For Our Sexy M&M’s

We used to be a proper country…

the green M&M

I have to confess that I don’t know much about the anthropomorphic chocolates that, until Monday, served as the “spokescandies” for the M&M’s brand, aside from the fact that the green and brown ones are canonically hot girls. 

But I am outraged that the official M&M's Twitter account announced Monday that the spokescandies will be taking an “infinite pause” mere days after they reentered the culture war discourse. They will be replaced by actor Maya Rudolph, a human woman.

Twitter: @mmschocolate

“We get it — even a candy’s shoes can be polarizing,” the statement from @mmschocolate said. “Which is the last thing M&M'S wanted since we’re all about bringing people together.”

The mention of shoes appears to be a reference to Fox News host Tucker Carlson’s rant from January 2022 about how the company made the characters less sexy by changing their footwear. 

Tucker: M&M’s will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous. Until the moment you wouldn’t want to have a drink with any one of them. That’s the goal. When you’re totally turned off, we’ve achieved equity…

Twitter: @Acyn

“M&M’S will not be satisfied until every last cartoon character is deeply unappealing and totally androgynous,” he says in his monologue.

For once, I agreed with him. Will the woke agenda never cease to discriminate against beautiful women like the green and brown M&M’s? Let the cartoon candy be hot, and let all the other characters be whatever they’re meant to be as well. I guess the orange one is anxious. The yellow one seems bossy, but that’s just my opinion. 

I know I’m not alone in my outrage.

“TUCKER CARLSON FLEW TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN AND GOT THE GREEN M&M BANNED OUTRIGHT. TRULY A MODERN DAY ICARUS,” one user tweeted

History books 100 years from now: "While reinforcing economic inequality, the populist movement did achieve some tangible policy victories for ordinary Americans, such as removal of candy mascots regarded as too salacious by the movement's high priests." https://t.co/7iv8L5WZLp

Twitter: @donmoyn

Lisa Rinna is out of a second job this month https://t.co/C0HKyi8ORc

Twitter: @jeneps

one of the first signs of facism is the removal of past cultural symbols. america is heading down a dark path https://t.co/PzNceNRvDN

Twitter: @NatBee17_

Carlson lost me when he again ranted against M&M’s in January 2023 after the company announced a package containing only the female candies.

This is so unbelievably funny genuinely no notes

Twitter: @leash_kid_

“The green M&M got her boots back, but is apparently now a lesbian maybe?” he said, adding that he believes the purple M&M is “plus-size.”

Faux outrage aside, I have a hunch that firing the spokescandies is likely just part of a marketing campaign by parent company Mars meant to jokingly respond to the culture wars. According to TMZ, Rudolph confirmed the suspicion that this is the run-up to a Super Bowl ad campaign.

It's a marketing ploy. They're fake cancelling the mascots to make people miss them, and then going to bring them back after such an "immense response" https://t.co/B6fdS3P3eC

Twitter: @AltHistoryHub

This is a work for sure. There’s gonna be a Super Bowl ad where we see all the M&Ms out of work and desperate to be rehired and/or protesting their firing. This is a Planters Baby Nut situation. https://t.co/R2Sudymrx4

Twitter: @austin_walker

if there was ever a time for skittles to announce that all the skittles are poly it's now https://t.co/uHeqP1sCqD

Twitter: @ashleyfeinberg

ALERT: RED HAS TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF THE POWER VACUUM. THE OTHER SPOKESCANDIES ARE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. MAYA RUDOLPH IS LOST. I REPEAT. MAYA RUDOLPH IS LOST https://t.co/Z0iDaXVvKu

Twitter: @portabible

Were the spokescandies silent, or silenced? Is this a labor violation against a unionized workplace, and if so, is Rudolph a scab? Will Baby Nut be upstaged? We’ll have to wait to see the latest installment of this ad campaign to figure it out. 

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