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Which Ex–Trump Administration Official Are You?

Pick a piece of gilded furniture for Mar-a-lago:

First things first, you’re not here to make friends. You’re here to win, and that means forming the right alliances and destroying the occasional bystander, just to send a signal that you aren’t playing. You. Are. Not. Playing. You know that there are two kinds of people in this world: you, and everyone else who will one day be forced to kneel down before the most powerful person in the universe.

Omarosa Manigault-Newman

You live by a simple code: Cash Rules Everything Around Me, C.R.E.A.M get the money, dollar dollar bill, y'all. For you, money is not a means to an end: Money is the end, and the journey there requires giving as little of that money to the federal government as possible. If giving a skinhead hitchhiker a ride is the price you have to pay for living that journey, so be it. C.R.E.A.M. But this doesn’t mean you’re amoral — you have deeply held values that you’ll never compromise, mostly revolving around the free trade of steel and aluminum products.

Gary Cohn

You just love to talk, with anyone who’ll listen: friends, neighbors, people on the bus, magazine writers who are just calling to check in. And you always keep it real — 100% unfiltered straight talk. That rubs some people the wrong way, but screw them. Seriously, screw those people, and you know what else? You know who else can take a hike? That dirtbag son of a bitch who thinks he can go around with his...

Anthony Scaramucci

You may or may not have once killed a man in hand-to-hand combat, but you will never divulge that kind of classified information to a non-operator. You are prepared for any battle scenario, including close-quarters elevator fights and a food-court ambush. Are you wanted for arrest in Central Europe? That’s something to be revealed on a need-to-know basis. Can you parallel park a Ford Mustang? Typically, yes, within a few tries. It’s all part of the mystery.

Sebastian Gorka

Literally nobody in the world is capable of coping with as much shit as you do on a daily basis and somehow seeming completely unaffected by it. What makes you tick? Nobody will ever know. Your phone battery has been on 6% for 17 months, and every day at 2 a.m. the thought crosses your mind that you should \*really\* quit your shitty job and break up with your boyfriend. But you bury those thoughts deep, reply to another 60 emails, and get a couple hours sleep.

Hope Hicks

You live to do one thing: serve your country. Your country comes before everything else, and you will never betray it. But if you can serve your country while also serving a client in a certain Central Asian republic looking to deal with a troublesome renegade cleric, then wouldn’t it be treason not to do both those things? That is your story, and you are sticking to it.

Michael Flynn

You’ve lived life hard, seen ups and downs, loved and lost, burned the candle at both ends. You’re a rulebreaker: When they say men should brush their hair, you hear liberal weakness. You’re impossibly well-read, on topics ranging from obscure Italian fascist thinkers to obscure Russian fascist thinkers and obscure Russian-Italian fascist thinkers.

Steve Bannon

You live by the words of Mahatma Gandhi: First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. He didn’t really say that, but you live by his words anyhow: All the bullies and haters and jokers who have ridiculed you will one day learn their lesson. You’re a stong, confident, powerful person — you repeat these words in the mirror every morning — and today is your day to shine.

Sean Spicer

You’ve spent your life overcoming an obstacle that was given to you at birth, and that has made you stronger, like Johnny Cash’s Boy Named Sue. But like your idol, Rumpelstiltskin, you also know that your name unlocks an immense and ancient power that makes you capable of great magic and trickery, and this will serve you well in a long and successful political career.

Reince Priebus

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Which Ex–Trump Administration Official Are You?

Thanks to Eve Peyser for the inspiration.