We Deserve This, Fellow Disgusting Worms
Admit it, you’ll never quit Twitter.
Well, it happened: Elon Musk has bought Twitter, for whatever reason. And you, a sophisticate, are reacting in alarm and perhaps disgust.
Let’s be honest with ourselves. We deserve this. We deserve the stupidest possible outcome here. We can’t get enough of it.
If you are still on Twitter in April 2022, do not try to pretend you don’t love to eat shit all day. I get it, I’m just like you. We crave the bad tweets, the bad takes, the ratios, the pile-ons, the quote tweet dunks. To pretend otherwise is a farce.
We’re nasty little pisspigs and we’re begging for more slop on our plates — and guess what my little piggies, today we got a big heaping trough full of it. Oink oink!
There’s a reason people call Twitter “the hell site”: the waves of rampant abuse and harassment, the motivations that encourage the worst behavior, the anger, the stupidity. But like the dopiest moths to the shittiest flame, we can't tear ourselves away from it.
If you’ve been on Twitter long enough, you’ve put up with countless iterations of crap. The parody account crazy of 2011-2012 (do you know @TheBronxZooCobra is still tweeting?), the gamergaters, the anime avatar trolls, the Nazis (both literal and figurative), the years of rampant and unchecked harassment and abuse (which, honestly, had finally gotten better lately), the “time for some game theory” guy, the 2016 heyday of Russian bots and manipulation, the endless reign of Chrissy Teigen clapbacks.
But like the dopiest moths to shittiest flame, we can't tear ourselves away from it.
Let’s be honest with ourselves: We will never quit this idiot site. Elon Musk will have to strap my phone onto a rocket and fire it into space to get me to log off.
What will a Twitter owned by Elon Musk actually look like? Who the fuck knows! Is he just doing this as some sort of elaborate attention-seeking stunt or does he actually have an interest in running the platform? It’s anyone’s guess! Besides, whomst amongst us on Twitter cannot relate to the motivations of wanting to do something seriously but also for the attention? Come on, that’s literally so us!
The truth is, it doesn’t matter what Musk does to Twitter. We’ll all still be here like the foul little goblins we know we are, doing our nasty little tweets, lapping for favs and RTs like gerbils at the metal water bottle spigot. See you all in hell.