17 Cursed Gifts For Someone You Hate

This is the perfect gift for someone you want to make sure never, ever, has sex again.

These aren't new — Amazon came out with the Echo Frames last year. They're basically dumb smartglasses. They don't show you anything in the lenses (they're just clear plastic, or you can get your prescription), so they're basically just a tiny Alexa speaker and mic on the stem near your ear. This means you can take calls, listen to music or podcasts (either through Bluetooth, similar to using AirPods), or say, "Alexa, play Gwar songs" or whatever. 

The upside: It's actually quite nice to have audio playing near your ears but not in them, especially if you want to be a little more aware of your surroundings, like when taking a walk. 

But these are unquestionably the ugliest frames I've ever put on my face — they made me look like Edward Snowden mixed with Dexter's Laboratory, but also somehow cross-eyed. I cannot fathom that anyone uses Alexa so much that they are willing to wear these monstrosities. 

There was no hotter girlboss than Elizabeth Holmes when Theranos was all the rage. What better gift than for someone who wants to show they got in on the ground floor of a winning ticket! Don't gatekeep those investment secrets!

This aged well!

For the reasonable price of $109.99!!!

Quality products, with such a great way to buy!

Facebook and Ray-Ban came out this year with a pair of camera sunglasses that take photos and record with a tap. This is kind of cool, if you want to take some video or photos in the moment, sure! There's a small white light that indicates when you're recording, but as you can see in the photo above, you can just tape that over and go incognito. 

A great gift for someone you want to see get kicked out of an Arby's bathroom!

Perfect for formal occasions, like parole hearings, getting kicked out of an Applebees, or Thanksgiving.

An apple (flavored ivermectin paste) a day keeps the COVID away (it doesn't)!  (ALSO, DO NOT EAT THIS, THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR HUMANS.)

You know when you see a really funny tweet and you're like "can't believe this site is free!"? Imagine if it wasn't free, and all you got out of it was... being able to change the color of the app icon on your phone. OK, technically it allows you to read BuzzFeed and other sites ad-free, which is nice tbh. But what a blow to someone's self esteem to admit they are willing to pay for Twitter.

Vice reported that a hacker got into a wifi-enabled chastity cage (basically, a thing that clamps around a penis, don't ask me to explain more) and demanded a Bitcoin ransom to unlock it. Thankfully, the guy wasn't actually wearing it at the time — it was just locked shut.  

A great gift for that special someone in your life to let them know, hey — I'd pay ransom for your genitals.

Hey, "ride the dip" as they say! (THIS IS NOT FINANCIAL OR INVESTMENT ADVICE. PLEASE DO NOT ARREST ME, SEC, THIS IS A JOKE.)