Janice Dickinson, Bill Cosby's most high-profile accuser, had an arduous day on Tuesday.
After a deposition for a 2005 sexual abuse lawsuit, released to the Associated Press on Monday, brought to light an admission by Cosby that he had obtained quaaludes, a sedative, with the intent of giving them to women he wanted to have sex with, Dickinson, the former model and reality TV star, found herself publicly revisiting her own allegations against the comedian: that he had drugged and raped her in 1982.
"It's been horrible," Dickinson told BuzzFeed News. "It's a fucking nightmare."
Cosby's attorneys had sought to keep the Pennsylvania court records sealed, arguing that they would be embarrassing, but ultimately failed. Tucked into the deposition transcripts is Cosby, under oath, testifying that he gave a former Temple University employee three half-pills of Benadryl. He also recalled meeting a woman backstage.
"I give her quaaludes," Cosby testified. "We then have sex."
Dickinson first came forward in November as part of a cascade of women who have alleged Cosby drugged and raped them over the years. Though the lawsuit from a decade earlier, which was settled for undisclosed terms, was public knowledge — as was the fact that a number of other accusers had told similar stories to support that civil claim — the allegations never appeared to taint Cosby's image as America's father figure. The day Dickinson went on Entertainment Tonight, Cosby still had a sitcom project in the works at NBC and a Netflix comedy special set to air. Both were canceled within 24 hours of Dickinson's accusations.
"It was the right time to speak out," Dickinson told BuzzFeed News in a telephone interview. "I found the courage and strength through my 12-step meetings and my church."
And on Tuesday, she reiterated the accusation against Cosby: "I was drugged and I was raped in 1982 by Bill Cosby in Nevada."
The months since she came forward have not been easy, Dickinson added.
"It's really embarrassing my children, and I'm terribly sorry about that. But I think in the long run they'll know it was the right thing for me to do," she said, adding that she wants to do what's right for the women who "have suffered at the hands of this terrible monster."
It has been an unprecedented downfall for Cosby since Dickinson went public with her accusations. But she told BuzzFeed News that reading Cosby's 2005 admission that he drugged women during sexual encounters has brought her no closure.
"I can't say I feel vindicated at all. I do not," Dickinson said. "I'm upset and annoyed and I've been disparaged."
When Dickinson first told her story publicly, Cosby's attorney, Martin Singer, called it "fabricated" and "an outrageous defamatory lie" in a letter to BuzzFeed News. Dickinson, who is represented by the civil rights attorney Lisa Bloom, is now suing Cosby for defamation.
Dickinson impugned Cosby and his representatives.
"How do they sleep at night?" she asked.
Singer and Cosby's publicist, David Brokaw, did not immediately respond to a request from BuzzFeed News to comment.
Dickinson said she has found kinship among the other accusers, including fellow model Beverly Johnson, who alleged in Vanity Fair that Cosby drugged her with the intent, she wrote, to sexually assault her. According to Johnson, she was able to leave Cosby's house before that happened.
"I'm grateful to my friend Beverly Johnson," Dickinson said, "and I'm grateful to the other women who found the courage and the strength and the fortitude to speak out for women, and not just for themselves."
Bloom, Dickinson's attorney, said she knew the AP was trying to get the deposition from the 2005 lawsuit released, but didn't know what would actually be in the documents. She praised the judge who decided to unseal the testimony.
"Thank god he did," Bloom said.
Meanwhile, Dickinson said she continues to wait for Cosby to do the one thing she needs before she can move forward.
"He needs to make an admission of guilt in order for me to feel any sense of vindication for my soul to repair and heal."