Which Social Network Is Taking Your Breakup The Hardest?

The sad, thriving art of the "please come back" email.

7. LinkedIn

Desperation level: Low.

Human behavior equivalent: Awkwardly running into one another on the street — sort of on purpose maybe? — then enthusiastically talking about the weather until someone pretends to get a phone call.

Prognosis: LinkedIn will be fine, with time. He is used to being used and discarded. Relentless, terrifying optimism will prevail.

6. Twitter

Desperation level: Low-medium.

Human behavior equivalent: Constantly sending postcards to your ex.

Prognosis: Twitter might sound chirpy, but its pain is real. It wants you back and doesn't know how to say it. It will forgive you but it will never forget you.

5. YouTube

Desperation level: Medium.

Human behavior equivalent: Sending all your exes Christmas cards every year for the rest of your life.

Prognosis: YouTube will never let go, but that's the way YouTube is. YouTube may vlog about its experience. Do not watch it.

4. Facebook

Desperation level: Medium.

Human behavior equivalent: Asking someone to come "pick up their old stuff" then breaking down in tears as soon as they arrive.

Prognosis: Facebook will not give up because Facebook feels like it has something on you. And maybe it does! Facebook, however, will pull through. We just hope it doesn't debase itself too much in the process.

3. Klout

Desperation level: High.

Human behavior equivalent: Texting your ex pictures from a nightclub "accidentally."

Prognosis: Fine, depending on what you mean by fine. Klout will be unaffected by the breakup, and may refer to you, to his friends, as a "sidepiece" or "booty call." Klout has a history of successfully deceiving itself and will happily do so for the rest of its strange hollow life.


1. Tumblr

Just let it go, and hope Tumblr can, too.