We regret to inform you Stormy Daniels' new book includes a particularly colorful description of President Trump's penis.
In her memoir, titled Full Disclosure, Daniels said Trump's penis is “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small.”
“It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion,” Daniels wrote in the book, a copy of which was obtained by the Guardian.
“He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool,” she wrote.
“I lay there," she wrote, "annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart."
Daniels was likely referring to Toad, the mushroom-headed character from Nintendo's Mario series.
People are really struggling to cope with this news.
*opens twitter* "Donald Trump's penis is shaped like a mushroom from Mario kart" *closes twitter* *sets fire to phone* *launches phone into fucking pluto*
Thinking about how Toad is just the purest, cutest videogame character and how nothing could sully his image. Now to take a big gulp of coffee and check twitter
Many are ready to log off forever.
me finding out why Mario Kart is trending on twitter
logging on and hearing that the president’s crotch looks like a rundown smurf village
Quite a few unfortunate people heard the news when they saw "Mario Kart" was trending.
Saw Mario Kart trending thinking we are getting a new Mario Kart......Then I clicked and found out why it was trending....... https://t.co/1vO1RVRngj
Me: Oh cool, Toad is trending. Wonder if they announced a new Mario Kart?! Me: *after reading why its trending*
Could it be a new game? No. No it could not.
MARIO KART IS TRENDING OMG I BET A NEW GAME IS COMI...
oh hey i love mario kart why are we all talking about mario ka- oh, oh fuck
Now everyone has jokes.
I have a letter signed by 65 Yetis saying that their pubes look way better than that
what i'm gathering is that president trump's dick has low top speed but makes up for it with fast acceleration and solid handling
This can only end one way and we all know it:
the president is absolutely going to tweet about his Toad shaped dick
Anyway, I really am sorry to do this to you first thing in the morning. Here's a nice, pretty nature pic as a palate cleanser.
Bye!
For reference: here's the "mushroom character" (Toad) in Mario Kart. 🤣🤣🤣
CORRECTION
A previous version of this story referred to Toad as "mushroom-hatted." The mushroom is actually his head. We deeply regret the error.