Greetings. If you're reading this post, it means humanity has survived its first weekend of Cats being in theaters.
The star-studded musical was billed by critics as a "descent into madness" and a sight "no human should see." It bombed its opening weekend, making just $6.5 million.
Still, the film — in which a bunch of anthropomorphic cats sing and dance in a competition to see who will get to ascend to the Heaviside Layer, aka die — was much buzzed about online.
Here's a bunch of tweets from people who actually saw Cats. They may raise more questions than answers.
I saw Cats and now I can't fuckin sleep and want to throw up
my brain absolutely does not have what it takes to process CATS in any way whatsoever. i feel like my entire consciousness has been extruded through a tube and then shot into fucking space
The first thing you should know about Cats is that, apparently, it is quite bad. A lot of people walked right out of it.
There were about twenty people at my showing of CATS. Seven walked out. Some people were in fits of laughter by the end. It is shockingly bad. I really don’t think you can understand how freaky and wrong it is until you see it.
The best part of our showing of CATS was about 2/3rds of the way through when a man in the audience stood up, said "this movie is bad and I'm leaving", and walked out while everyone applauded him.
At my screening of CATS I sat next to an 8-year-old child who, 45 minutes in, during a break in the singing, sat up and said loudly to his mother, "I hate this!!!" And I thought, here is a child of superior discernment
There were so many questions.
Upon exiting CATS, I exclaimed "WHAT IS THE SCALE?!" Cats are not small enough for multiple cats to dance on a single rail on a railroad like that. Has Tom Hooper met a cat?!
@DanielleSATM @meganamram I screamed at the screen in vain asking what the hell a jellicle cat was. One helpful audience member stated it’s the cat who most wants to die so I’ll take that answer
Many found it "distressingly horny."
CATS was distressingly horny. And not in a sexy voyeuristic way. More like you open a bathroom door and find people in the middle of an orgy and you slam the door because you didn’t ask for this!!
Watching CATS is like stumbling upon an unholy and heretofore unknown genre of porn. Every time these horny fur demons tongue a milk bowl and start moaning I was certain the FBI would raid the theater
it is true that CATS is a horny abomination, but it is also true that you WILL end up sexually attracted to one of the cats by the end. you don’t get to choose, the cat will choose you. that’s your cat boyfriend now.
The theaters got super rowdy. It was like Rocky Horror Picture Show, but with more cats (and equally as horny).
here’s the full video of my friend Molly dancing in character during the credits of Cats last night. RT to save a life
We got on our feet to sing and dance to Mr. Mistofelees like it was the last day of camp
My friends and I saw the horny cat movie while drinking milk cocktails out of bowls and almost got kicked out of the theater for screaming too loud. I’m honestly still reeling.
Though some theaters were practically empty.
Big crowd in for the CATS screening
I saw Cats in an empty theater last night. It was the closest I've been to Purgatory.
There were only 4 other people at the Cats screening last night and they dressed up. I love Baltimore.
Those lucky enough to see it early were treated to a CGI blooper in which Judi Dench — who again, plays a cat — appeared with human hands.
This isn’t a joke: CATS was rushed into theaters before being finished so a new version is being sent to theaters with updated effects. How do you know if you have the old version? Look for Judi Dench’s human hand, wedding ring and all.
I saw the version of Cats where you can see Judi Dench’s wedding ring and thought “I guess her character got married to another cat. Good for her.”
Some people had the time of their (nine) lives.
Just saw Cats and it's terrific. Please don't listen to critics. You have to have a special mindset to fully appreciate the deliciously weirdness of the movie. Idriss Elba and Taylor killed it. I highly enjoyed the dancing and the cinematography. Will surely see the movie again.
Basically what you need to know about Cats is everyone I saw it with who watched Cats one thousand times as a teenager had a fun enough time and everyone who had never seen it before spent two hours recoiling in abject horror.
Standoms were immediately formed.
after i saw cats today i was singing mr. mistoffelees on my way to the bathroom and this lady goes “i have the one stuck in my head too!”. everyone’s a mistoffelees stan
maybe some of you aren't ready for this conversation but it was shocking that mr mistofelees wasn't the jellicle choice. my mans performed a whole magic trick saved all their asses and his song SLAPSSSS what's grizabella gonna do? cry?
But for the most part, the reviews were like:
Saw CATS last night. Seeing it again tonight. Fuck it’s so bad.
half the songs in cats start with lyrics like "im bumbleguts the horny magic cat, im the cat who's magic and horny"
I saw Cats, what a piece of fuck junk
I just saw cats and um,,,,,,congratulations to dogs
I saw CATS so you don't have to. I am mortified. Creeped out to the fullest extent. The horror that is the anthropomorphic cat has engulfed my mind with its computationally generated embellishments. Their voices are what I hear in my darkest sleep.
Just saw Cats (2019) and I wish I could perform a song and get another chance at life and not watch Cats (2019)
How lucky we are to consume such art.
I just saw CATS and while it is for sure an obvious sign that the American experiment is a collosal failure, I still think it had a more interesting thing to say than Joker.
I forgot what true terror felt like until I saw CATS tonight. It was the best film I have ever seen in my entire life. Bravo
Happy holidays, everyone!!!!!!
saw Cats, left horny, Christmas is cancelled