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9 Ridiculous Conspiracy Theories To Believe About Drake's Penis

"Chopstix penus"

Posted on July 16, 2014, at 9:12 p.m. ET

Allegations were made about Drake's ~underpants zone~ and sexual proclivities this week.

TeenNick / Via

So we got a little curious and decided to ask total strangers on the street to help us figure out what exactly Drake's penis looks like.

Conspiracy theory #1: Drake might "just hump you."

* Actual size, to scale

Conspiracy theory #2: Flacid Drake started from the bottom but is now here & erect.

This guy gets style points for the photo and for the extra step.

Conspiracy theory #3: "He might be curved...most guys are curved."

Conspiracy theory #4: Sex/overuse is shrinking Drake's penis.

This guy seems very ~confused~ about penis function and maybe needs to talk to a doctor about how the human body works. Points for quoting some lyrics, though.

Conspiracy theory #5: Just be your warm fuzzy small-penis self, Drake.

Conspiracy theory #6: The tip of drake's penis is exactly where we are in space and time.

"Like a Native American totem tower, it starts from the bottom and now is here. (The tip.)"

Conspiracy theory #7: Feelings make your penis smaller.

Conspiracy theory #8: Comrad Drake has a utilitarian penis.

"It gets the job done. You know."

Conspiracy #9: The Japanese body-mod community inspired Drake to create a "chopstix micropenus" to "brush against" men/women.

Elements of a "chopstix penus":

- Inspired by Japanese body-mod "bagel heads"

- Started by Drake, became too popular

- To be ~special,~ Drake had to add a few "micropenuses" onto the main one

- Specially-designed condoms

Like all TRUE conspiracy theories, "Chopstix penus" is based on the shapes of real objects: