Audio9 Ridiculous Conspiracy Theories To Believe About Drake's Penis"Chopstix penus"By by Julia FurlanBuzzFeed Staff and by Samir MezrahiBuzzFeed StaffPosted on July 17, 2014, 1:12 amTwitterFacebookLink Allegations were made about Drake's ~underpants zone~ and sexual proclivities this week. Tap to play GIF Tap to play GIF Conspiracy theory #1: Drake might "just hump you." View this track on SoundCloud * Actual size, to scale Conspiracy theory #2: Flacid Drake started from the bottom but is now here & erect. View this track on SoundCloud This guy gets style points for the photo and for the extra step. Conspiracy theory #3: "He might be curved...most guys are curved." View this track on SoundCloud Conspiracy theory #4: Sex/overuse is shrinking Drake's penis. View this track on SoundCloud This guy seems very ~confused~ about penis function and maybe needs to talk to a doctor about how the human body works. Points for quoting some lyrics, though. Conspiracy theory #5: Just be your warm fuzzy small-penis self, Drake. View this track on SoundCloud Conspiracy theory #6: The tip of drake's penis is exactly where we are in space and time. View this track on SoundCloud "Like a Native American totem tower, it starts from the bottom and now is here. (The tip.)" Conspiracy theory #7: Feelings make your penis smaller. View this track on SoundCloud w.soundcloud.com Conspiracy theory #8: Comrad Drake has a utilitarian penis. View this track on SoundCloud "It gets the job done. You know." Conspiracy #9: The Japanese body-mod community inspired Drake to create a "chopstix micropenus" to "brush against" men/women. View this track on SoundCloud w.soundcloud.com Elements of a "chopstix penus":- Inspired by Japanese body-mod "bagel heads"- Started by Drake, became too popular- To be ~special,~ Drake had to add a few "micropenuses" onto the main one- Specially-designed condoms Like all TRUE conspiracy theories, "Chopstix penus" is based on the shapes of real objects: CHOPSTIX PENUS???????????