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The "Selfie T-Shirt" Is Here And It Will Cost You Only $166 And Your Only Release Will Be Death

$$$ !!! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Posted on August 20, 2014, at 2:05 p.m. ET

Have you ever been just sitting there, phone in hand, arm raised at a 45-degree angle to your shoulder, taking pictures of yourself over and over and over, trying to discover as yet uncaptured depths of nuance and beauty in your imperfect face and imperfect upper torso? Have you ever felt that while your face, and your hair, and your body, and your soul, are fully committed to your project, your clothes will not quite comply? Have you ever wondered whether things can get better?

For you, and for me, and for us all, there is now a shirt. It is a shirt designed to look good in selfies.

"Wouldn't any good shirt look good in a selfie?" a person might ask.

To this person, I would reply, there will be no room for you on the rocket ship to the future. Seats are limited. They are limited to those wearing $166 T-shirts — designed by a Central Saint Martins-educated Russian fashion designer named Timur Kim — with most of the graphical activity concentrated in the neck, shoulder, and upper-chest area.

Where we're going there will be no judgments. The fetters of irony will come apart as easily as string cheese. On the spaceship floor they will look weak and stupid. Your parents will no longer be alive, but Nicki Minaj will be there, giving small nods of approval to the garland of self-regard you've had the cojones to lay 'round your neck. In retrospect, $166 will seem a comically small price to pay for the privilege of belonging to the future.

A BuzzFeed News investigation, in partnership with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists, based on thousands of documents the government didn't want you to see.