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Cryptocurrency Reaches Its Inevitable Conclusion* With Wankcoin

Bitcoin for porn is here. *There will probably be worse.

Posted on May 28, 2014, at 1:45 p.m. ET

Like Bitcoin and Dogecoin before it, Wankcoin is a digital currency that can be mined at great length. Unlike Bitcoin and Dogecoin, Wankcoin is used to buy porn. While Bitcoin is already well known for its use in illicit internet bazaars, Wankcoin narrows the seediness down to just internet porn:

Wankcoin is a crypto-currency that can be used to buy porn anonymously! Not just porn, but hi-quality HD porn and lots of it! You don't want to give up the numbers on that credit card? No problem, use Wankcoin. So cum and get it. The more you mine, the more you'll find. All you have to do is keep wankin' off to porn, and you'll get paid! It's simple. It's the fucking dream job!

Sex! Money! Power!… WANKCOIN!!!

Wankcoins can currently be redeemed—in the sense of commerce—at such websites as wankz.com, bigtitslikebigdicks.com, and in a major coup, porn.com (press release here, site NSFW). Wankcoin is based on Bitcoin—it uses the same cryptographic algorithm—and can be mined using many of the same tools as its famous predecessor. The new currency currently features—

[From the mist emerges a mottled gray bipedal form. It is a mammal. It looks like a homo sapiens sapiens, but softer. It looks like a white man. It wears a graphic t-shirt and is naked from the waist down. It has a penis, half erect, from which drools a thin and viscous strand of yellowy ejaculate. Behind the form, a black office chair and a laptop, glowing without judgment. A protocol runs coolly. Two cycles pumping in total harmony. The form squeezes a tube of feedbatter into its dry rictus and shudders. The protocol has unearthed new gems. Pink eyes flashing with excitement, the thing scuttles back to the chair. What was known in the 20th century as the refractory period no longer exists. The form descends to the chair, newly engorged. It is the modern homo sapiens sapiens sapiens, and it is busy.]

—an existing pool of 21,000,000 million coins. According to users on bitcointalk.org, one wankcoin will eventually correspond to approximately ten masturbation sessions, and miners are currently discovering new blocks every 20-30 minutes. So for those of you who find yourselves spending your hard-earned Bitcoins exclusively on porn, Wankcoins promise an excellent value.

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A BuzzFeed News investigation, in partnership with the International Consortium of Investigative Journalists, based on thousands of documents the government didn't want you to see.