1.
in case of emergency, hurl your enormous penis out the nearest window, and climb to safety.
2.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother” i won
3.
me: I'm gonna pick you up and move you somewhere safe turtle: I'm going to bite your fucking finger
4.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
5.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said "enjoy your night" so I said "not today, thanks" and left.
6.
oh come on https://t.co/6hwCMMomX3
7.
I believe in reincarnation because I KNOW I was the Trojan guard who saw the Trojan Horse and was like "wow, stunning, yes! Open the gates! Let it in, omg a big horse"
8.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
9.
i am a: ⚪️ man ⚪️ woman 🔘duck looking for: ⚪️ A relationship ⚪️ A friendship 🔘 some grapes
10.
[inventing tupperware] make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
11.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal. Me: Oh, who got the last spot? Coach: Umm Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
12.
paranormal investigator: this entity feels malicious. I'm sensing a lot of bad energy ghost: [through ouija board] h a h a d u d e y o u r j e a n s s u c k investigator: *choking back tears* wow it's really bad you guys ghost: a r e t h o s e f u c k i n g b o o t c u t
13.
🎶I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more... *me trying to find my car in a parking garage.
14.
[inventing archery] I’d stab that guy if he wasn’t so far away
15.
Nobody's coming to my pizzarrhea I don't get it!!!
16.
people who wear yellow shirts under denim overalls are so brave.... i can’t imagine the strength it must take to go out in public wearing the minion’s uniform
17.
“Confidence is sexy,” I whisper to myself as I approach the free samples station in the grocery store for the 5th time.