24 Very Serious Guesses About What Trump Was Hiding In His Safe

“They even broke into my safe!"

Trump grimaces as he catches a baseball

Did you hear? Former president Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida was raided by the feds on Monday!

Yes, Trump is under investigation for potential violations of the Espionage Act, mishandling government documents, and obstruction of justice related to a bunch of classified documents, including some reportedly about nuclear weapons, and other souvenirs he took with him when he left the White House. Court documents released on Friday reveal that agents took at least 11 classified documents from the compound, as well as boxes and boxes of other documents and photographs.

Trump himself first announced news of the FBI search on Monday, complaining specifically that the agents (whose job was to look for evidence) looked for evidence by opening his safe. “They even broke into my safe!" he said with seeming astonishment in a line I’ve been laughing about all week.

All that has me wondering: What exactly was in the safe?

A generic picture of a safe with an electronic combination lock

Eric Trump has said his dad didn’t keep anything in the safe, but then [*Milhouse voice*] why did he complain about the safe? Why…did he complain…about the safe?

I did some brainstorming late on a Friday afternoon when my editors’ guards were down, and I put out a call on Twitter for guesses — and got more than 200! (Thanks to those who provided their expert predictions!)

Here’s my proposed list of items from the Trump safe, which I am expecting will be mirrored very soon in the next batch of court documents released:

  1. A handwritten list of the nuclear launch codes that he has mistakenly spelled “nucular.”

  2. A spare nuclear football that Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump have unsuccessfully tried to play football with.

  3. A voodoo doll of Ron DeSantis.

  4. A framed photo of him sitting in the Big Boy Truck.

  5. Those special eclipse glasses he chose not to wear when he stared into the sun.

  6. THE ORB.

  7. A list of his children’s names.

  8. A bottle of bleach so he can treat COVID.

  9. A sled from his childhood that symbolizes his youthful innocence and maternal love.

  10. Those missing Apprentice tapes.

  11. The monkey from Nope, whom he blames for the monkeypox outbreak.

  12. Hurricane maps on which he has successfully colored in between the lines with a Sharpie.

  13. A scribbled note on which he brainstormed possible 2024 running mates Kid Rock, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, and Vecna from Stranger Things.

  14. His proposed contract to buy Greenland.

  15. The script for Greta Gerwig’s upcoming Barbie movie. (Leak it, Mr. President!)

  16. His final Horcrux.

  17. A lifetime supply of Anastasia Beverly Hills bronzer.

  18. A gateway into the mind of John Malkovich.

  19. The combination for the safe.

  20. The unreleased cut of Batgirl.

  21. Pea tapenade.

  22. The plans for Ezra Miller’s next crime spree.

  23. One suit that actually fits him properly.

  24. Whatever dirt he has on seemingly every other member of the Republican Party.