Hey, '90s friend! It's me, your internet pal from the future.
I've come to share some recent news from our time that I think will make you say "WOW" in a pretty funky '90s way.
1. First up, that famous football player from the Naked Gun movies is getting out of prison.
It's true! O.J. Simpson went to jail for nine years. He was imprisoned for robbery and definitely not for murdering two people.
Cuba Gooding Jr. recently played him on TV. He's a big actor in your time, right?
2. That famous evangelical neurosurgeon is pledging to fight homelessness because he's now 100% the head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development.
What in Dr. Ben Carson's storied background made him a suitable pick to serve as HUD Secretary, you ask?
Cuba Gooding Jr. also played him one time. But I feel like these repeated references to Cuba Gooding Jr. may be misleading you about the overall success of his career.
3. Parents have told police that R. Kelly is allegedly holding their adult daughters captive in his houses as part of a sex "cult."
I can't even say anything about this one. You should probably just read the story.
4. SNL star Al Franken now spends his time wandering around Congress and laughing at senators.
Oh, yeah, also, he's a senator now.
5. They made a TV show about those fantasy novels that first came out in 1996. The show just came back on air and it's really, really fucking good.
But, lol, he still hasn't finished the novels.
6. This nerdy guy who started a website to sell you books now makes robots that read you the news and he maybe wants to sell you meal kits.
Oh, also, he looks like this now — and he's worth a gazillion dollars and owns the Washington Post. Bless up!
7. Because everything from the '90s is making a resurgence, we're basically in the middle of a new Cold War with Russia!
It's this whole thing. Basically Russia got mad powerful again, and now they try to influence our elections using hacking, trolls, and alt-right memes of frogs, which are all things that will make sense to you one day, and then you'll wish they didn't.
8. The Fresh Prince of Bel Air is gonna be playing the genie in a live-action remake of Disney's Aladdin!
Yes, Disney keeps remaking its own cartoons as live-action movies. We've had Alice in Wonderland, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, and the Jungle Book so far. We're getting Mulan, The Little Mermaid, and The Lion King soon. You guys had that 101 Dalmatians film with Glenn Close though!
9. This pro wrestler just starred in a movie version of Baywatch and he's about to be in a Jumanji sequel due to come out this year.
Oh, and maybe he's gonna run for president? Because that's a thing that can happen now.
10. Speaking of running for office, this guy might soon be a senator!
Some people in the White House — the freaking White House — reportedly want him to run. And no, he's never cut that hair.
11. And lastly, remember the guy who made that cameo in Home Alone 2?
He's the president now.
Good luck! Enjoy your life!