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Buckle Up Because Tuesday Was An Absolute Shitshow Of A News Day. Here's What Went Down.

Sit back and grab a drink or six.

Posted on August 21, 2018, at 11:42 p.m. ET

Hey there. Welcome. If this is basically you after looking at your phone, computer, or any other thing and seeing what a complete tornado shitstorm of a news day we had Tuesday, Aug. 21, 2018, which shall now be called "holy fucking hell," then you are in the right place.

The biggest news of the day naturally orbited around President Donald Trump, with two of his former associates appearing in federal court in separate cases. And because we are now all living in a reality TV split screen, Trump's former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to eight federal crimes at the same time that Trump's former campaign chairman Paul Manafort was found guilty of his own set of eight federal charges.

Meanwhile, rapper Post Malone came perilously close to dying in a plane crash, and Elon Musk deleted his Instagram over his weird drama with Grimes and Azealia Banks.

Oh, and a Republican lawmaker and his wife were charged in federal court for spending campaign money on things like dental work, theater trips, and plane tickets for a bunny.

So basically an entire summer's worth of news happened in less than 12 hours of straight chaos.

This is me after going through the 657 news cycles that all happened today in an attempt to do a nice, digestible little summary of some of it for you.

To recap, this is some of what we're dealing with:

michael cohen post malone azealia was in elon’s home nazi prison guard deport verdict time for manafort 🎶 we didn't start the fire 🎶

Here that is again and then some.

TODAY —Manafort guilty on 8 counts —Cohen guilty plea —Trump nixes coal rules —DJT hits Clapper —Eliz. Warren speech —Collins/Schumer meet Kavanaugh —VP on Capitol Hill —Nazi guard deported —Chris Steele wins in court —Rand on NATO/Russia —Omarosa on Hardball —Trump rally in WV

Right. Before we continue, here is another dog GIF to sum up the mood.

Let's start with, ironically, the most straightforward, not-like-a-bad-reality-TV-show story: Post Malone and the Plane.

I’d post a post about Post Malone post plane landing if I knew who Post Malone is.

For those of you who don't know, Post Malone is a rapper. (He is on the right with the wine on his head.)

On Tuesday, Aug. 21, 2018, aka Doomsday, a private jet carrying Malone and more than a dozen others had to make an emergency landing after two of its tires exploded after takeoff. Naturally, this caused the internet to freak the F out and also to be very mean, because people are people and the internet is a burning hellscape.

i landed guys. thank you for your prayers. can't believe how many people wished death on me on this website. fuck you. but not today

At some point, Bret Michaels chimed in about his own private jet and that's about all the time I have/care to give to this shitshow. Moving on because everyone is better now. (Sorry, couldn't help it.)

Bret Micheals mansplains private jets to Post Malone https://t.co/VW2uYCZKXB

Next up: SpaceX founder Elon Musk deleted his Instagram over the bizarre ongoing drama involving his girlfriend, singer Grimes, and their disgruntled house guest, Azealia Banks, who apparently spent last weekend stranded, alone, but also with Musk, at his house in LA. Musk also continued to do his thing on Twitter, causing people to wonder whether he might be dropping a rap album...

@aMelonBaby @elonmusk Elon Musk rap album confirmed.

...or sending a cryptic message about his plans for Mars.

Meanwhile, he and Grimes unfollowed each other on Instagram AND Twitter, fueling rumors the couple had split up. You can catch up on that whole cluster here because it's time for us to move on to the main course of today's news dumpster fire: all the crimes (which, ironically, rhymes with Grimes!).

grimes escaping elon musk's mansion after breaking up with him

Along with being the day we all should have just given up, 8/21/18 will also be remembered as the day that President Trump's former friends pleaded guilty to a whole mess of federal crimes.

Think Oprah: You get a crime and YOU get a crime.

Here's the gist:

Trump’s nightmare day: - His former campaign chair Paul Manafort was convicted of fraud - His longtime lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to federal charges - One of his earliest supporters, Rep. Duncan Hunter was charged with misusing campaign funds https://t.co/vxYwob1DaT

Basically you could not write this shit.

If someone wrote the last hour as a chapter in a piece of Trump fan fiction, it would seem too over the top.

And yet, here we are.

In a scene you couldn't script, Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort is found guilty on eight counts and Trump lawyer Michael Cohen pleads guilty to eight counts within minutes of each other. Trump is on Air Force One flying to a rally in West Virginia.

Reporters: if you are tweeting about criminal charges, please specify Manafort or Cohen

Casual. NBD. This is fine.

hooboy *COHEN SAYS HE VIOLATED CAMPAIGN LAW AT DIRECTION OF CANDIDATE *COHEN SAYS HE ACTED FOR PURPOSE OF INFLUENCING ELECTION *COHEN: VIOLATED CAMPAIGN LAW AT DIRECTION OF UNNAMED CANDIDATE

Michael Cohen's guilty plea included the admission that he had set up a payment to adult film star Stormy Daniels "in coordination with and at the direction of" an unnamed candidate for federal office, known as "Individual-1."

Immediately, the internet was like, WOW, WHO COULD THAT BE?

Can anyone help unredact "individual-1" in this

It was THE mystery of the day.

WHO THE FUCK COULD INDIVIDUAL-1 POSSIBLY BE???

Someone help Philip out here.

If anyone can ID the individual not named here, please contact me over Signal. Thanks.

All this went down as the president was on his way to a rally in West Virginia.

when you decide not to buy wifi on a flight https://t.co/eQkmb24J3T

Where this happened *not ironically*.

Hours after Trump's lawyer pleaded guilty to crimes and implicated Trump and Trump's campaign chairman was convicted of crimes, the crowd at the Trump rally is chanting "drain that swamp."

During his rally, the president slammed the NFL and undocumented immigrants, and also talked about his mom's turkey and how large and beautiful the governor of West Virginia is. He did not mention Cohen, Paul Manafort, or Rep. Duncan Hunter, an early supporter who was, incidentally, indicted Tuesday.

President Trump talking about his mother's Turkey. No word on Cohen or Manafort yet, tho

Yep. MOAR crimes.

phew at least we got thru tuesday without any other breaking n.... https://t.co/i8wRQrlk7G

Again, things are going real well.

The first two members of Congress to endorse President Donald Trump – New York’s Chris Collins and California’s Duncan Hunter – are both under indictment. https://t.co/VSSQxcgPdy

So Hunter, a Republican, and his wife allegedly used about $250,000 in campaign funds to pay for personal expenses, like visits to the dentist, trips to Barnes and Noble, tickets to the show How the Grinch Stole Christmas, golf outings, an iPod Nano, and airline tickets for the family bunny.

The Duncan Hunter indictment is lowkey brutal.

Again, you could not write this shit.

Ahh, here it is: Duncan Hunter spent $1,528.68 in campaign funds on video games.

(Seriously, though.)

Duncan Hunter is going to be convicted of stealing campaign funds to see RIVERDANCE and for that alone, he deserves a pardon. https://t.co/5AZXcPkGpL

Time for another dog GIF? I think yes. Just keep swimming, guys.

In conclusion:

It’s only Tuesday and I wanna get drunk.

And in other uplifting news, these might still exist. Godspeed in finding them.

We Found A Deserted Island Where They Never Heard Of Donald Trump And They Had A Very Normal Tuesday

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