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The NSA Scandal As Told By The Big Lebowski

This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass.

Posted on August 22, 2013, at 5:52 p.m. ET

So America was just chilling out one day, doing its thing...

...when a National Security Administration infrastructure analyst named Edward Snowden discovered a gigantic, secret spying apparatus used to monitor people around the globe.

When this information was released to the public in a series of exposes by Glenn Greenwald of The Guardian, the NSA and greater intelligence community said:

...and denied all claims that they were illegally spying.

But once the allegations of these programs and their scope turned out to be quite true, the NSA and the Obama administration started to panic.

This was precipitated by Snowden coming forward in an interview with Greenwald.

And the confused global community said:

The administration went after Snowden, revoking his passport and asking for countries that were harboring him to extradite him back to the United States.

This country at the time was China.

But Snowden was not detained when he boarded a Chinese flight for Russia.

The administration seemed to nonchalantly take this stance toward Snowden's globe-trotting:

And then asked Russia to please return Snowden, posthaste.

Snowden spent over a month waiting in limbo in a Moscow airport, trying to figure out which countries would grant him asylum and how he could get there. The intelligence community looked at him like this the whole time:

Snowden attempted to navigate to Venezuela, Nicaragua, and Bolivia, all countries that had offered him asylum.

That did not work out well.

Everyone waited.

On Aug. 1, in a move that flew in the face of American demands, Russia granted whistle-blower Edward Snowden asylum.

Snowden quickly moved out of the airport and into an apartment. He even received a public job offer from VKontakte, a Russian social network.

Snowden did this dance because he was getting tired of airport food.

And Vladimir Putin did this dance:

And America looked at Russia like this:

In response to this move, President Obama canceled his September visit with Putin citing Russia’s “disappointing decision” to harbor Snowden.

But in the end, the administration really had no choice but to say:

But you know they really miss Snowden.

And they realize they will probably never get their info and infrastructure analyst back.

And this is what the intelligence community wants to do to Glenn Greenwald and his computer.

Well, that's settled. Time to get back to more important topics.

For those of you who would prefer to learn about the Edward Snowden through Austin Powers GIFs, we have a post for you too.

H/T to Jeremy Nicholl

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