As much as I love mocking right-wingers and their raging Randian boners on OkCupid, it’s not just Romney-loving online daters who'll make you want to close up your ballot box forever. Liberals are also actively losing at the online dating game.
First up: This guy, who despite being a middle-aged white American man, would like to take credit for some of the most important political upheavals in recent memory:
“I was kind of responsible for the Arab Spring, by which I mean I once went to Egypt and used the word ‘freedom’ in front of my cab driver, so obviously I inspired revolutions across multiple countries.” Sounds about right. What would the rest of the world do without liberal white saviors to inspire and eventually free them? Just think of the things this man could inspire in you, and how many Peace Corps members you could produce together. Alternately, if you have a vagina, you could be his personal dictator:
Yes, obviously it's women who REALLY run the world. With their vaginas. Or maybe their butts:
I think Christian Anal is more of a right-wing virginity preservation thing, isn’t it? Sounds like he’s focusing on the wrong kind of religious lady. If he wants a liberal, instead of going for the butt, he should emphasize his LGBT-friendliness, like this married Democrat:
He’s a sleazy jerk, but at least he’s not a sanctimonious jerk. That award almost always goes to the vegans, who are saving the world but making the rest of us feel terrible:
Absolutely no idea why anyone would consider this particular vegan a rigid inflexible fundamentalist. As for not tolerating any choices that hurt others, I hope she grows all of her own vegetables, because I’m pretty sure field mice and rabbits don’t fare so well on farmland.
That said, it is an online dating site, so it’s probably a good thing that she puts her views out there for potential mates to see and then accept or reject. And while most vegans and vegetarians aren’t sanctimonious prigs, this is a big enough world where surely the most self-righteous among them can battle it out over who is The Ultimate Friend To Animals, and then have (cruelty-free!) sex on sheets that are absolutely not made of silk or any other animal product. Who will definitely not be having sex on silk-free sheets? The people who send messages complaining about others’ political or personal views:
Obviously I enjoy making fun of bad online dating profiles as much as the next guy, but when I come across one in my internet dating life, I don’t actually message the person directly to wag my finger at their eating habits / political views / enjoyment of Skrillex. I ignore them and move on to someone I find more attractive (or I screenshot the most egregious part of their profile and put it on the internet; whatever). Point being, messaging someone to tell them that they’re “uppity” and then including a question about why uppity bitches get all bitchy is (a) rude and (b) a totally pointless exercise on a website that is explicitly purposed to get you dated / laid.
Also pointless and self-defeating? Trying to attract "good girls" by complaining about bitches and hoes:
Michelle is such a lady. And I am confident that you, sir, with your “lol”s and laments about good girls being an “endangered species” and your decision to spend your 20s dicking “bitches and hoes” and your subsequent decision to whine about said “bitches and hoes” in your online dating profile, will have no problem securing a lady as wonderful, intelligent and refined Michelle Obama. I hear that like you, she also has a zero-tolerance policy for bitches, hoes, and tops that don’t show off her biceps.
If you've got your own online dating horror stories, drop them below, or submit them anonymously.
The A(n)nals of Online Dating is a weekly column about How We Date Now, from the proprietor of the website of the same name, showing off the best of the worst internet dating has to offer.
Illustration by Leslie Wood