When considering the characteristics one wants in a life partner, “judgmental” does not top anyone’s list. Judgey people, as a general rule, are no fun. At the same time, God gave us critical thinking skills for a reason – and while sniffing out every single fault isn’t a very good trait, some level of discernment is crucial in getting through life, and in selecting a mate (or just a date). Internet Dating Land is especially fraught when it comes to the necessity of using superficial characteristics to determine potential compatibility.
You can’t message everyone OkCupid; you have to make some choices about who to respond to, and who to reach out to. That requires committing the great sin of Judging. If you’re a dyed-in-the-wool liberal and you get a message from LuvsAtlasShrugs79, it might be judgmental to write her off as a selfish Randian, but it’s also an efficient way to keep you from wasting an evening. If you hate cats and a dude who contacts you is wearing one as a scarf, Bon-Iver-style, it makes sense not to message back (although feel free to send him my way).
But not everyone who internet dates agrees that judgment is a necessary part of the process. (Aside: so do they date everyone that sends them a message?) Some folks are very upset that you may be judging them (to which I say, HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME FOR BEING JUDGMENTAL?!). Like this OKCupid user, for example, who doesn’t think you should judge him for what he looks like or for what he’s done with his life:
It's sad that people judge others on the way they look, or what they have accomplished in life thus far. I believe a person should look past all of that, and see what that person COULD do. That person that you just stuck you're nose up at, could be the greatest political leader the world will never see, because (s)he didn't get that push from someone. There's not a person in the world that cannot accomplish greatness. It's all a matter of did they have someone there to push them through the hard times. To comfort them when they didn't think they were strong. I think that if everyone did one kind thing for a stranger once a week, this world would be a lot better. Keep in mind that this is just my Philosophy. I am not telling anybody their wrong. This is just my thought process.
Those are all very nice thoughts, but this is internet dating. And “I’m an unmotivated lump who needs you to push me to be a reasonably accomplished person” is not exactly a boner-inducer.
But he is still an award-winning catch next to this OkCupid champ, who also doesn't believe in judging:
This man is exactly why the good Lord gave us all the gift of judgment. There’s nothing wrong with farting – everyone farts, and even a gentlelady like myself can admit that a good fart feels great – but maybe don’t advertise it when you’re trying to secure a girlfriend. I understand there is someone out there for everyone, but “Hey I’m just being honest” is not a get-out-of-being-disgusting-free card.
Also? If people read your profile and properly conclude that you’re a jackass, “STOP JUDGING!” is not the best response (I would suggest, instead, to stop acting like a jackass). Like this jackass, who is mad that superficial bitches have the nerve to look at his OkCupid profile before responding to his message:
so i haven’t updated my profile so because of judgments i figure it be best to update it. but it did serve as a good social experiment. its interesting to know how superficial a lot of women are. and these are the same women who pass judgement on men being superficial. they rather not take the time to actually talk to someone and get to know them. instead they read a profile and just stop there with their judgment. In the days before Internet, a person had to actually go ahead and talk to someone …wow, how did we do it back in the stone age. people did come with a preprinted portfolio to present to you when u said “hi” they didn’t have a million pictures to show you when you first said “hi” what you saw is what they looked like…period. you took the time to converse and get to know the person. they may have started with the wrong intentions but during a conversion the correct corresponding ground could be found and people’s intentions might change. that was the beauty of actual conversation, not this preprinted portfolios. Cuz in essence this is the EXACT same thing as arranged marriage, just arranged dating. You are presented with a preprinted “bio-data” and determine if it is to you (or your family) liking, bu yet we frown on the “old age nonsense” There is a loss in the human connection. and that was my attempt here. to place a sleazy profile up and yet still try o converse with females. Most looked at my profile first before even talking to me and even when i explained those are not my intentions they still declined. Did you know even after the advent of all these dating websites and stuff with preprinted profile so you can know the person “better” the divorce rate in the US still climbed from 60% to 70%?
Well for all you superficial females, this is my response to you. To those who took the time to actually talk to be as a person and not judge me on preprinted nonsense, well thank you. We found our common grounds and continued from there as proper adults should.
What is this, some sort of Superficial Woman Utopia where women get to not respond to your advances when they aren’t into your self-described "sleazy" profile? A a pre-arranged marriage where you actually see what a person looks like and what their interests are before agreeing to date them? Ugh, this is what’s wrong with America today, clearly, and here is a made-up divorce statistic to prove it.
The twin of the No Judgments profile is the No Fakers profile. Because people who hate people who JUDGE also hate people who are FAKE. Unlike the rest of humanity, I guess, who are basically like, “Fakers and phonies? Love ‘em!” But plenty of people feel the need to mention how they hate FAKERS and JUDGERS in their profiles – I suppose so that when FAKERS read said profile, they’ll think to themselves, “Wow, this person sounded so great, we like all the same music and have all the same hobbies and they are so totally cute, but crap, they say they hate FAKES and I am nothing if not totally FAKE so I guess I shouldn’t respond.” That works, right? Just ask this juggalo Holden Caulfield:
whats up im a 23 year old man yes ima juggalo or a hardcore fan of underground music im very family oriented and im looking for a girl who can accecpt me for me and not try and change me and these are things girls have tried to change about me in the past tried to get me to quit smokin weedn ( never gonna happen ) tried to get me to drop my music ( again never gonna happen ) and tried to get me to stop drinking ( never gonna happen i love to party ) so if your not some controling bitch feel free to message me back i beleave relationships are 50 / 50 you have to give a lil to get a lil when i a woman won’t change for a man then i don’t see the point in the man even making an atempt to change
p.s im very real i don’t mess around with fake ass ppl plus sex is important but its not the most important bare in mind i am a guy so sex is in my top 3 its not number 1 but its atleast number 3 i have to feel loved when im in a relationship
I am confident he will find a nice Juggalette to love him for HIM, no judging no faking. Hey, this lady is probably still single.
If you've got your own online dating horror stories, drop them below, or submit them anonymously.
The A(n)nals of Online Dating is a weekly column about How We Date Now, from the proprietor of the website of the same name, showing the best of the worst internet dating has to offer.
Illustration by Leslie Wood