Last night, we covered the mantelpiece in bright-blue packing tape, hung our mustard-yellow stockings, and sang our carols to the UPS man. This morning, we awoke to another blessed Amazon Prime Day. But it sure as hell isn’t the Prime Day I once knew and loved. This formerly sacred day has been savaged by the corporations and their unrelenting greed. Apparently, it’s all about the Benjamins for them. Frankly, I'm DISGUSTED.
The usual gang of vultures — Walmart, eBay, Best Buy, Kohls, and a bunch of other retailers who probably think they merit mention in this column — seem to have decided that Prime Day shouldn’t simply be celebrated by browsing Amazon all day in your cubicle and hoping the boss won’t notice. No, they decided it’s about sales. About making money. About the “bottom line.” As if Prime Day was simply some consumerist holiday with no real meaning.
It's time we end this War on Prime Day.
Regular readers of this column know I love history, so here’s a healthy dose of it: Past experience tells us that anything good will be taken over by the corporations. These leeches will do whatever it takes to insert themselves into the zeitgeist. Remember Christmas? What if I told you it was once about something other than Starbucks. Remember the Super Bowl? What if I told you it was once about a football game. How would you feel? Not good, right?
Can’t we simply celebrate Prime Day as it was meant to be observed: By clicking through an endless stream of algorithmically recommended discount Amazon products, as opposed to spending the whole day shopping and buying stuff from other retailers? I’d ask Jeff Bezos for comment. But frankly the Great Founder’s special day is now too depressing for me to speak about aloud. Plus I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t respond. And no, I don’t want to talk about my feelings.
A story: My nephew Timothy is a good kid. But he simply didn’t have the $99 it takes to become a Prime member. That’s okay, he’s 8. So Timmy Boy sent out an email to our family asking for some help. I personally like the young man, so I committed $5. My sister Dorthy added in $20. Aunt Winnie contributed $15. Anyway, we raised the money. And now Timmy Two Days gets shipping for free. Our family rarely comes together like this, and we only have Amazon to thank for it.
Which brings me back to the devils who think they can turn Prime Day commercial — into something “non-Amazon.” I have a message for you: I’ll see you in hell.
First they came for Cyber Monday, and I said nothing.
Then they came for Toyotathon, and I said nothing.
Then they came for Prime Day, and I’m drawing the fucking line.