Hi there Segestria florentina! Aren't you sweet?
What HAVE you been doing, Segestria florentina?
Have you been scaring people? Have the media been making a big fuss about it?
It makes no sense! You're so sweet!
BuzzFeed News reached out to a Segestria florentina for comment on some of the stories that have been written about his breed. To our delight, this one was able to respond.
1. You seem to be popping up everywhere. Is it true you were recently seen at a house in Devon?
2. Can you really "deliver a stinging bite which can cause pain for hours"?
When we put this to Simon, he immediately holds four of his eight legs up. "It's true. I can. It'll hurt for about six hours, though it won't cause lasting damage. But let's be real about this. The chance of me ever biting you are significantly lower than being stung by a bee or a wasp. They don't give a crap who they upset. I don't go around looking for trouble."
3. Is that right? Then what's your game?
4. Really? Or is this going to happen?
5. Fine, is there anything else we need to know?
"Yes," replies Simon. "I have a cousin called Shane (the spider) in Australia. And you don't want to get on the wrong side of him."
Sleep well, everyone.